I just found out my spouse is Lousy...what do I do first?

Advice is like snow, the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into, the mind.              - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Breaking up with a LousySpouse does not always start with someone walking out. Ellen and Jane had loser Lousys who did walk out, and it is the most traumatic form of a break up. If you and Lousy are able to agree to a divorcebefore the proverbial poop has hit the fan, we recommend our page on the Less Ugly Divorce for tips on keeping it on an even keel.

Take a deep breath, try to stay calm and focus. The first thing that will hit you is "is this for real?!" A walk out after a fight is a cooling off period. A packed bag and a "Honey, I'm outta here" is a little more definitive. If Lousy Spouse intends to end the marriage, whether you like it or not, you must do all that you can to protect yourself. This is no longer the person that you fell in love with - you are now dealing with a lousy stranger.

If you are making a decision to divorce together, these are still some of these steps that you will need to perform, but you have a lot going for you. Read through this and determine what applies to you. Divorce is always hard, but this list is for the hardest hit - the blind-sided. The following are deliberate steps that you must take once this happens:

JOURNAL

Start a journal. Not a Dear Diary kind of journal, but you must start accounting for everything so that you are protected. Write down when, why, how and where for everything that has transpired. Some lousy spouses leave in fury after a fight, some leave in the middle of the night. Write down what you are fighting about, what happened that day, who said what.

You need to document everything in case you have to go to court. Having an accurate account will help you when you start spiraling into a rage or depression. It can also be therapeutic to write the Dear Diary stuff, so feel free to do that too. And believe it or not, you will forget the specifics as time goes by. So, by all means, write it all down!

BANKING & FINANCES

Go to the bank, speak to a manager and close all of your accounts - personal and shared. Do the same with children's accounts. Have your bank issue cashier's checks to the children and yourself and go open new accounts at another bank. A truly lousy spouse may have designs on raiding those accounts.

Cancel the credit cards that are in your name and have new cards issued and sent to you. Freeze the accounts you can. Speak to the bank that issued them and tell them what happened. You do not want to finance a spending spree or a vacation for Lousy.

Dig through the records. A lousy spouse may have accounts that you don't know about, or have spent money that you did not know about. Find out what you can because any debts created while you are married are considered 'marital debts' - also, check for mysterious hotel, airplane, or restaurant charges that you will need for proof in the case of adultery.  You need to know what kind of hole has been dug. A reasonable spouse will take responsibility for these debts, but don't count on it.

Too many of us get complacent and take our credit ratings for granted, or don't think about it at all. Now you have to start paying attention - check your credit and stay on top of it. Take it from someone who started a relationship with her own home and reasonably good credit and who is 14 years later close to bankruptcy and facing foreclosure.

Get on top of your personal and household finances as soon as possible. This is harder than it sounds, so set aside an hour a day to complete our financial worksheet. This will be one of the most valuable documents you have in negotiating the financial terms of your divorce. See our page about Finances for more information.

HOME

Are both of your names on the mortgage note and the deed? Do you want to stay in your home? Is it affordable? Will you need to sell it? Are you able to maintain the upkeep?

You'll need to know what the outlay is every month for not just the mortgage and utility expenses, but also homeowner's fees, taxes and insurance. Your mortgage may include some of these additional expenses, but they can change and you need to know the details.

Local real estate agents or brokers will be able to give you an estimated sales price if you bought your home a long time ago. Prices change, and your home is probably not identical to those that have recently sold. Invite at least two professionals to give you a fair market value. You'll probably need this for your financial statement to the court, and it shouldn't cost you - just don't sign anything!

If you and Lousy decide to sell, wait until your divorce is final and the terms of the ownership are incorporated into your settlement. Does the equity get split? Who has the right of acceptance of an offer? It is not advised by anyone to sell or buy anything during a divorce.

When you sell, be sure to interview at least 3 agents and make sure they understand your bottom line, and your timetable. If you are serious about selling, be cooperative. You may resent the hell out of Lousy for putting you through this, but if it's financially necessary, then there it is. You will only torpedo your own finances if you don't make your home available for showings, or close all the blinds and turn off the air an hour before it's shown.

CHILDREN

Compile the children’s names and social security numbers, they will be referenced throughout the divorce documents. Locate their important documents such as their passports and birth certificates to make sure you know where they are, and put them in a safe place. You don't want Lousy taking your kids out of the country before your legal terms are hammered out! If Lousy has been the keeper of these things in the past, you may have to work at this, but don't wait until you really need those things before you look.

You must be honest with your kids without slandering Lousy, especially in those first days when you're not even sure what's going on. Let them know that Lousy loves them, but you and Lousy are having trouble getting along right now, and you both need some time apart to figure things out. Keep it simple if they're young. Do not state 'your lousy mother/father walked out and is not coming back'. Read through our Survival section to find tips and suggestion on how to handle this delicate aspect of your divorce. And seek the guidance of a therapist to navigate the parental waters during this delicate time.

POSSESSIONS

Inventory your possessions, cars, homes, furniture, and valuables. Careful, many lousy spouses will start removing joint property from the house without your knowing it. One lousy spouse we know stole the kitchen knives! It was not discovered until the custodial parent tried to find them to carve a jack o' lantern at Halloween with the kids!

Sit down and list the contents of the house room by room. Create two columns and identify what you want to keep, what you can sell or don't care about, and what you want lousy spouse to get out of your way. Have this list ready for the next time you speak to Lousy. 

If Lousy has left and is being hostile or a little kooky, you may consider changing the locks. These Lousys are the most likely to come in when you are not home and collect the things that they want to keep - even your stuff. A decent Lousy will surrender the key if the division of property is reasonable, but if you don't know how the tide may turn, invest in new locks.

If Lousy does not want to collect the abandoned items, then stick them in the attic, basement, or their mother's house. Make sure you make an effort to inform them of your intentions - and document that. If they specifically tell you they don't want their things, write it down. It will fell good to purge, and there may be some money to be made. DO NOT start pitching Lousy's belongings into the front yard. You may bag up clothes and toiletries and personal items that you do not want to look at, but do not soak them in lighter fluid, do not fill the bags with water, do not throw in raw meat. Revel in the extra closet space that you now have and wait for the final divorce settlement before you take another step.

Treat heirlooms from Lousy's family with the same respect you'd want Lousy to show your things. That also goes for valuable collectibles and special items that you have collected together. You don't have to look at them, because we know that can be painful, so pack them in a labeled box and put it away until your settlement is determined.

PETS

If Lousy has left you a pet that is not yours or is more than you can handle, work cooperatively with Lousy to find it a new home or reunite the pet with Lousy. Be honest with yourself about how well you can care for a pet and meet it's needs if it was Lousy's repsonsibility. If Lousy has bolted and you cannot reach Lousy, then call Lousy's friends or family until you find someone who is willing to take on the responsibility, hopefully for only a short while.

Do not throw an animal out, neglect or abuse it. Not only is that bad karma - it is not nice and it is punishable by law.

Please Note: The information provided herein is a guide only. Our readers and members should seek professional help from counselors, financial experts and attorneys as needed. Stories contained herein have been altered to secure the privacy of others.