LousySpouse.com - Taking Care of You

Taking Care of You

"Happy are they that can hear their detractions and put them to mending" -William Shakespeare

Mind and body are inextricably linked. No matter how lousy the situation is, your body will most likely have some reaction to the stress and/or shock that you are enduring. Discovering that you have a LousySpouse can cause loss of sleep and loss of appetite instantaneously. If a marriage is ending there are unmeasurable new layers of stress on your life.

Meet the Professionals

Plan a visit to your general physician to assess your health. There are medicines that can help your body withstand the onslaught of the nonsense that will be barreling down on you, and they can help with depression, anxiety, and sleeplessness. This is not the time to feel too proud to seek help. You will need all the strength and focus you can get in the months ahead.

Be sure to monitor your meds, if you are taking them, and make sure that your doctors are aware of everything that you are on. You do not want to create a reaction that can cause more of a problem for your emotional state. For instance, certain anti-depressants and birth control pills taken together may be causing a very bad reaction making you even more anxious and unable to cope. Be careful with this, and monitor yourself. Call your doctor right away if you are feeling strange, or think there is a reaction.

You must find a therapist for you and your children, if you have them. This is a crucial part of dealing with the stress and disruption of your lives.

You have a lot to process. Why did this happen? Is it my fault? How will I survive? What do I tell my friends? These are all questions that are surely keeping you up at night. A professional therapist can help! Call your insurance company to find out what kinds of mental health provisions are available to you and get authorization if required. Ask your physician and trusted friends to suggest therapists. Check the providers on your insurance plan. And if you don’t feel comfortable with a particular therapist, then switch! Keep looking until you find one that feels right. We found a great service on the US News website to find providers by state.

Ellen's words of WARNING: Some lawyers will write a co-parenting coordinator or counselor into your settlement. We are all for getting the tools parents need to be good parents, but....be careful if they actually write someone's name in the agreement. Ellen's settlement contained such a prescription, and she found the psychologist not to have the tools and skills needed to handle her particular situation, and their chemistry did not feel right. The doctor even met with Lousy and his homewrecker girlfriend behind Ellen's back, without so much as a blink when Ellen suggested conflict of interest or business ethics! When she did further research, after the settlement was signed, it was discovered that Lousy's attorney had suggested that particular doctor who had a history (as found via Google) of testifying on behalf of the man (in Ellen's case, Lousy). So be careful about this, since you will feel eager to trust someone who you think can help you, that the lawyers are insisting upon and have a bunch of fancy pedigrees and diplomas on their office walls.

Another caution, the psychologist that was written in to Ellen's document bills $250 an hour, and does not accept insurance. He also insists on twice weekly visits. So we have a sneaking suspicion that these characters might just be all about their hourly fee. Just throwing it out there.....

Nutrition

Try to maintain your strength through good nutrition. We like Meals to go, Let's Dish and Dinner A'fare for ready-made family meals in cities where these services are available. Many of these services have kitchens that allow you to select and prepare your meals with all the ingredients right there for you. This is a great low-stress activity that you can engage in to get out of the house. If you don't have the time or the strength, some offer home delivery from the same menus. You'll need some freezer room, so go defrost now.

If you're a cook and can't wrap your head around planning meals for you and your kids, we recommend Betty Crocker and Meals Matter. Many cities have grocery delivery services, and planning menus is the best way to build those shopping lists. One that Ellen likes is: Pea Pod.

Take out and fast food should be avoided now more than ever - for all the reasons you already know. Head out to your local farmer's market this Saturday and load up on fresh produce.

Damage Control

Those who care about you most will sometimes engage in bad-mouthing the lousy spouse. If you are in the mood, then let it fly, but never, ever do so in front of kids - yours, or anyone else's.

Children should not be exposed to the lousy behavior that adults engage in. When you are not in the mood, do not hesitate to tell them, "thank you, but I really don't want to talk about Lousy right now". Sometimes you want to validate your anger, and sometimes you don't need to add to the negative energy that is already boiling inside you. Manage your environment accordingly.

Preserving Longevity

See our Physical Wellbeing for ideas and tips to take care of your health and overall wellbeing.

Apologies

We understand that situations that surround a divorce are as various as the people involved. We also know that sometimes situations spiral out of control as soon as the divorce ball gets rolling. But mostly, we know that it really hurts to be on the receiving end of lousy-ness.

If you, happen to be lousy, please don't forget that you always have the option to apologize and say you are sorry. It may not change things, the divorce may still happen since too much damage could have already been done, but it is never, ever too late to say you are sorry and to ask for forgiveness. You can say it in person, you can even write a note. But a heartfelt and meaningful apology can help bring some closure to that chapter and put you both on a path towards peace.

It takes a big person and lots of courage to humble yourself and admit to lousy-ness. So, if it feels right, put your ego aside and go eat some crow. First and foremost is the person on the receiving end of your lousy-ness - your spouse. But the peripheral people that your lousy-ness has touched are hurting too: children, in-laws, friends and neighbors.

Lousy-ness causes discomfort on so many levels to so many people. But the gift of an apology and the even bigger gift of forgiveness can make your aching heart heal. Everyone is capable of making mistakes, but the real measure and gift of humanity is the ability to make amends. It starts with a simple three words: "I am sorry."