Coparenting with a Lousy Ex

You've gotten through the divorce, or maybe it's still in progress. You know what you need. You know what your kids need. You have an action plan, you're checking off your list... Then along comes Lousy.SUPPORTING EACH OTHER AS PARENTS WILL MAKE FOR A HAPPIER KID.

Being married to a lousy spouse is trying enough, but being divorced from a lousy who is still a part of your life is a constant reminder of everything that you're trying to escape. You want your kids to love Lousy, even if you don't.

Lousy's typically put themselves first, before you, before the kids. Remember, you are not dealing with the person that you married and had beautiful, wonderful children with... you are dealing with a Lousy. Remind yourself of that, and remember that your beautiful, wonderful children got all of their finest traits from your side of the family. Everything else, you get to blame on Lousy, natch!

Tag Teaming

Parenting is a team sport, and that doesn't change just because one of you has walked off the field. Achieving a peaceful rhythm for visitation with the children is imperative. Try not to focus on Lousy-ness...but focus on your free time, and use it productively. Our happily married counterparts do not have the luxury of these uninterrupted pockets of free time.

The thing that will constantly keep Lousy in our line of sight is the visitation. Our kids are not ping-pong balls, but when the trade-offs are frequent and fraught with tension that's the best that they can feel like. Here are some tips in not becoming a lousy parent:

• Show up on time for pick-ups and drop-offs, always. Call if your going to be late.
• Be reachable at all times. Some people have to be reminded - you have to keep your phone on at all times when you have the child, and when you don't... you're still a parent, whether the child is with you or not.
  
• Never let the children feel like visitation is a burden to you, no matter how tired or busy you are. If you really are too busy, then arrange a trade with your ex, or find playdate that will keep them happy and busy while you take care of pressing needs.
  
• Keep the other parent apprised of activities, and what and who the children have been exposed to, especially younger kids who can't. (Hiking in the woods all afternoon before drop off? better check for ticks!)
  
• Communicate with the other parent about schedule conflicts as soon as you are aware of them. Even if it is not addressed in your parenting plan, it is NOT okay to pick up your kids for your visitation, then drop them off at grandma's because you have to go out of town.
  
• NEVER ask children to withhold information from the other parent. That transfers stress to the child and they don't need that!
  
• Synchronize your parenting strategies (read the same books for example - by the way, we love 123, Magic by Thomas W. Phelan), agree and coordinate house rules such as chores, bedtime, TV Time, etc.
• Abide by the court orders that are in place.
• When your parenting agreement needs to change to meet the best interest of your child, then be sensible and flexible. Don't make your ego or feelings more important the needs of your child. The younger a child is, the more that child will need mommy-time. If mommy is lousy, then work with her to meet the child's needs and respect her selfish or careless lifestyle as long as it doesn't harm your child. A lousy parent is still necessary, and you may have to work a little harder at meeting several sets of special needs.
• Keep food nutritious and healthy and share information with your ex, because a special treat every time a kid changes venues can result in an obese kid pretty darn quick.
• Make sure the children get to all the birthday parties, sports, and other activities that they can. Don't make them miss those things because it is inconvenient for you or because the other parent is usually the contact or responsible party for that activity. This is an area where working together is key - if you have a soccer game one place, and volleyball in another at the same time, you're going to want Lousy's help and the kids will be so much happier with Lousy in the stands.
• Be generous for your child's sake.
• An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So, try to take the high road at all times. Treat your LousySpouse like your best and most difficult client.

WORDS OF WARNING: Beware of the "Weekend" Dad or Mom. These clowns are all fun and games. Late bedtimes, tv, movies, junk food, no naps, no baths, buying stuff, cool new toys. There is no way to compete with this, or be reasonable. Just picture your lousy with a jester hat and those pointy clown shoes, because that is all they are. Bundle your kids up, tie their shoes, hug and kiss them BEFORE you even open the door to the Weekend Jester. The transition in this manner will make it easier for your kids to switch gears, and for you to hide your disgust.

Real dads and moms go to the doctor, buy new shoes, show up for teacher conferences, research activities and schools for the kids. The weekend jesters are simply clowns. Use them as free baby sitting if it suits you, and expect no more. It will make your life easier when you can at least identify these goof-balls.

Bite Your Tongue!

Lousy's generally like to antagonize and if they have an "axe to grind" against you for some unknown reason...brace yourself. Lousy's will not return calls, expose the kids to whomever they choose, bribe the children with toys, junk food, late bedtimes. Remember, Lousy is lousy and you will have the last laugh. It's too easy to complain about the crap they're pulling as soon as you pull out of the driveway, but the kids should never hear about it.

Do not complain about Lousy being late, or any of their parenting missteps... this will not only cause stress, but also make the children defensive. Once they feel that you will attack mom or dad for something that they are involved in, like bowling in pajamas at 10:00 on a school night, they will immediately determine that you cannot be trusted. You don't want your kids hiding things from you, because that will lead to lying and that always leads to hard drugs. It's a scientific fact.

Whatever it Takes

There are tons of books on the subject of co-parenting, and we can't claim to be experts, but we're dealing with this on a daily basis. Seriously... if what you're doing is not working then do some research, talk to a family counselor, whatever it takes to keep the kids secure.

A great strategy is using Google Calendar to post important events...court dates, therapist dates, children's schedules, and you can both login. This way, you don't have to deal with Lousy! Brilliant!! Thank you Google!!