Support Network

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.”                            - Albert Camus

This is an important part of this trying time. You are stressed out, and not sure what the future holds. You must find a way to stay calm and maintain your focus so that you can navigate the rough seas ahead. Try and find the things that bring you peace and try to maintain your Zen. Is it going out with friends? Perhaps reconnecting with folks that you have not seen in a while: high school or college friends, old neighbors, or colleagues. Try a social networking site, like Facebook, but be careful of what you say!!

Church Chat

Do you go to church? Schedule a meeting with your priest/pastor/rabbi/guru. This person can help, and offer you spiritual guidance and advice. They will also explain the implications of divorce for your particular religion. Also, there may be a support group at your church or an associated facility that can help you and allow you to meet others in the same boat. If you do not have a church, try visiting some new ones, or exploring different religions if it feels right. This tumultuous time can leave you open to a new spirituality that may help you find peace, calm, and purpose.

Take it outside...

Spend time outside if nature makes you calm. Gardening, biking, running, walking. Yanking weeds can be therapeutic, and you can see your progress right away! Grab your iPod if you need music to get you going. Try some of the songs from our music playlist to help put your Lousy Spouse in perspective. First download? “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor.

Friends and Family 

This is a really tricky one... When do you tell people what's happened? There is a wise saying that goes something like: you may forgive your LousySpouse, but your mother will never forget.

This is very true, so be careful how quickly you go running and crying to momma, or any other family member. Once you cast suspicions on your Lousy, the people who love you the most will never forget.

There may be a cooling off period to wait through alone while taking other steps. Once you are sure of what Lousy wants and what you want (or you are positive that Lousy is really lousy), you may start the dialogue. You may feel ashamed, scared, hurt and angry. Your family will have the same feelings, so get into it slowly and don't recount every last thing Lousy did wrong, unless you are like Ellen and manage to blather on and on to anyone that will listen!

You will also most likely begin to realize either deliberately or by trial and error, who you can really, really trust. You will find that some folks pop out of the woodwork, and will stand by you, hold you up, and make you stronger. You will also find that some people have their own agenda and prey on your emotional vulnerability. You may also find people giving unsolicited advice, telling you to work it out or not, when it is in their interest for you to do this. In Ellen's case, the first (female) lawyer she went to kept goading her to file for divorce, before Ellen was certain of the best tact, and was still in shock from her LS's betrayal. The lawyer even told Ellen that Lousy's girlfriend was pregnant! This turned out to be untrue, and simply an intimidation factor to settle the case. 

Trust your Gut

Be mindful of the steps you take, and those folks that you confide in. Be wary of unsolicited advice or those that are too eager to listen or too eager to lousy-bash. However, there are many lessons to learn from those who have traveled this bumpy path before. If you can find someone in a similar circumstance, then perhaps they may have some advice, ideas or best practices that would be helpful to you. We have found that those who have experienced a Lousy Spouse many years ago, tend to forget or block out the extent and the toll of lousy-ness. We believe that time must heal all wounds, how else could you forget?

Take your time, breathe, trust your gut. If something seems or feels funny - trust that instinct and run the other way. Some people just get really wrapped around the details of your drama, for no helpful reason. So no need to gab unless you want to...some people just can't let it go. You can always say, "Can we please not talk about this right now, I am really just trying to enjoy your company." A hand to your temple, in a gesture of exhaustion workds well here.

Remember, life after lousy is pretty darn great! You have so much to look forward to, it simply takes time. Hang in there!

Please Note: The information provided herein is a guide only. Our readers and members should seek professional help from counselors, financial experts and attorneys as needed. Stories contained herein have been altered to secure the privacy of others.