Processing and Healing

Your Mental and Emotional Health

For those who are faced with a sudden or unexpected divorce, the process can range from difficult at best, to horrific. The situation is made worse by additional factors such as adultery, addiction, abuse or abandonment. 

A divorce is not an event but a process. You have many steps to go through, and then there's the life after... you will always be a divorced person.  The end of a marriage is like a death of a family member. Many friends and acquaintances will be uncomfortable, not know what to say, and may even avoid you to stay out of your real or imagined field of misery.

The 5 phases of processing Grief:

• Denial
• Bargaining
• Anger
• Depression
• Acceptance

You are not the only person to go through these phases. If your lousy spouse has walked out on you, then chances are that Lousy has already reached and embraced Acceptance. Most infuriating is that Lousy will look at you like you're crazy when you start fresh with Denial or don't catch up overnight.  That's another thing that makes them lousy. This is not a linear path... most people circle back around and can even hang onto the Anger and/or Depression long after they have reached Acceptance.

Besides those involved in the marriage, most of the people that are closest to you will engage in the same process. Even your parents and friends will have these same feelings, especially the anger phase! This is especially true for children, and it is important to monitor their progress through the phases.

A child stuck in the Bargaining phase may become the best kid in the world in hopes that Lousy will change their mind and return to the family. An angry kid may be hard to take, but a child who never expresses anger may eventually explode. It is critical that you work with your children, speak to them and get professional help to make sure that they process this as well as possible.

For those who are getting divorced, you must remember that you are still an important and valuable person – a mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, friend etc. We want to help you get through this rough patch, maintain your strength, dignity, poise and sense of humor.

Think positive. It may be hard to do, but you can focus on the changes that have made your life better. Sit down and write down the things that empower you… tape them to your bathroom mirror or your dashboard so that you can be reminded every day.

We prescribe...

• Therapist – Please find one right away, and also for your children. Many health insurance plans offer a mental health benefit - call them first to find out what coverage you have and if you need pre-authorization. You have a happy and healthy future waiting for you, and you will arrive faster if you take the time to work with a trained professional to figure out what the hell just happened!!!
• Nutrition – Now is the time for quick recipes for nutritious meals - we know it is the last thing you feel like doing - but you must! You can always rely on yogurt smoothies, soups, and good ole' PB & J for those hungry little ones if you are lucky enough to have them in your life!
• Exercise – Try and take walks, even a short one to get some fresh air, feel strong, restored, physically ready for the battle ahead. Just b-r-e-a-t-h-e....
• Coping Strategies - We suggest using this site to see what has worked for others and to identify some best and worst practices (we say it like it is folks!) You may try a journal, if it is not too exhausting (we know it is grueling) but they say it is a good place to vent, and release the sadness and disappointment that things did not turn out quite as planned. You can always post on our Forum - it is honest, anonymous, and oddly satisfying to get it all out there in cyber-space...
• Friends - This is a time that you will see the true colors of your nearest and dearest. A silver lining may be the new friends that you pick up along the way. Be open to new people, new experiences. You now have the unexpected gift of an entirely new awareness and sensitivity...remember "that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger."

Read About It

There are lots of books on the subjects of divorce, infidelity, etc. Find something that will address your needs in your local library, or check out our Books page. Knowing that others, from Cleopatra to Hillary Clinton, have been through the same kind of crap you're dealing with can be helpful in gaining perspective.

Please Note: The information provided herein is a guide only. Our readers and members should seek professional help from counselors, financial experts and attorneys as needed. Stories contained herein have been altered to secure the privacy of others.