The LousySpouse Funnies

Not all of our humor is spouse related. We all need a laugh, so please send us your favorite jokes, funny stories and musings to share!

Devotion

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much; I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

 She replies, "It's me ............. talking to the wine.”

We Love the Blond Jokes

Two blond girls were working for the city Public Works Department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.  But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

The Recycled Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage in her living room and waited
for it to say something.  The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and
said, "New house, new madam, new girls".

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about
the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Keith".

The Blond and the Cow

A blond city girl marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to her, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?”

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

The blond takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one right here.”

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, “Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?”

“That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,” she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?” 

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it's to hang your pants on."

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.  

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. 

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Pecan. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like Pumpkin, have two apples and one Pecan. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Gimme two slices. Don’t tell me about it being the consistency of a doorstop. I love this stuff.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

THE AFTERNOON VISITOR

One afternoon, an older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. 

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:  "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

RANDOM THOUGHTS

1. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
4. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
5. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
6. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
7. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
9. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
10. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
11. Was learning cursive really necessary?
12. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
13. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
14. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
15. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d*ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong!
16. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
16. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood
17. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died
18. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
19. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
20. Bad decisions make good stories
21. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
22. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
23. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
24. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
26. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
27. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
28. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
29. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
30. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
31. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
32. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
33. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
34. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning theTail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
35. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

JUNIOR'S NEW TRUCK

A sixteen year-old boy came home one afternoon with a new Chevrolet Avalanche. His shocked parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a new Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.'

The parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.

'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. 'I don't know her  name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child molester. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on!'

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her in the front yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.