Legal Stuff

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."    -William Shakespeare

Yeah, you said it, Bill! The divorce business is a big industry. It's a hidden industry that nobody really thinks about until it's too late.

FIND A LAWYER THAT LISTENS

We cannot speak to this other than our opinions based on stories and personal experience. This is the intimidating factor of a divorce - the legalese, the paperwork and the hoops you must jump through to keep it all legal, enforceable and hopefully fair.

Use our Financial Worksheet to get a grip on your monthly spending and needs, and determine your priorities with our Priorities Checklist. These forms were designed for you to educate yourself on what you need and what you want before you are hip deep in the legal proceedings. Have these worksheets prepared before you start...

We had to learn a lot of new terms when we went through all this. If you aren't a lawyer, and especially if this is your first time around this crappy block, make sure to review our Glossary of Terms. We don't promise that it is 100% accurate, but it's a look at what you'll need to learn about.

FINDING A LAWYER

A local divorce attorney can help you understand your local divorce, custody, and child support laws and how they will affect your case.  Click here to visit our newest advertiser and fill out their form to arrange a divorce case evaluation.

Most of us have never had need of a lawyer outside of closing a real estate deal or handling a traffic violation. The advice we have is ask around. Advertisements in the yellow pages or on bus shelters may give someone name recognition, but it doesn't make them a better lawyer. You need to find someone who will treat you with respect, and who has managed cases similar to yours. Every divorce is different, so you are in a position of having to interview candidates.

Most lawyers will require you to pay for a 'consultation'. In our estimation, this is their bread and butter money. You may spend 30 to 60 minutes outlining your case and answering their questions, only for this lawyer to tell you that they'll need a $4,500 retainer, or that your spouse doesn't really have much to go after (code for: I'm not really interested). Then they expect a $300 fee. You don't need a consult, you need to employ a lawyer.

Ask your divorced friends who they used, and ask them about their experiences with their lawyers. If they feel good that their lawyer did not waste time or money and respected them, then that is a lawyer for you. If they respect and recommend their lawyer, that is the best sign of all.

Not all are created equal. Some will say you get what you pay for, and others will tell you they're all the same, so shop around for the lowest hourly rate. So what do you look for?... pretty much the same thing you look for in a therapist. Someone who respects you and your needs, who is going to do their best not to waste your time or your money, and someone who gives you their full attention when it's "your time".

Red Flags that your Lawyer is Lousy:

• not responsive to your e-mails or phone calls
• takes other calls when you are in their office, tells you to "get over it"
• asks you to take a "family loan" to pay their staggering bills
• doesn't offer any advice unless you ask about that subject specifically

If you get a weird feeling about them, trust your instincts. Many divorce attorneys are buddies with the opposing attorney, and there is a fair amount of horse trading that goes on behind the scenes. Don't trust them too readily, it takes a special breed to be a divorce attorney.

You deserve to be treated respectfully, professionally, and courteously. Hey lawyers, do you hear us? We'll repeat it for you one more time: respectfully, professionally, and courteously!

Lawyers are not usually your friends, they are simply trying to move your case off their desk. They only eat what they kill, meaning the quicker they complete your case, the quicker they can bill you. Even "the best" lawyers are limited by what the laws allow and provide for. In many cases, it seems that regardless of the degree of lousy-ness, everyone seems to finish at the same place.

A tricky aspect of getting a divorce is that every state has different rules and standards. It does not make sense to us that it is not standardized. You can get advice from friends, but unless they live nearby, you may not get the info you need. These facts make hiring a lawyer a necessary evil. Sorry, lawyers.

In your turmoil and confusion the lawyers may be scaring you, intimidating you and still billing you. Even if your lawyer seems to be your friend and listens with a sympathetic ear, just wait until you see the bill. Be careful how you use a lawyer's time - do not use them as a high priced, and ineffective, therapist.

Ellen's divorce cost about $40,000 and she got none of her attorney fees reimbursed, and her Lousy Spouse went almost a year without paying child support or alimony. So, please learn from her expensive disaster...ooops, we mean divorce.

TAKE NOTE: A big key to these costly agreements is enforceability. Make sure that the provisions that you provide for have some sort of means to enforce lousy in his obligations. In Ellen's case, there is really nothing that is enforceable. Her lousy does whatever he wants, does not comply, and violates the terms of the PSA and there are no consequences. She could go back to court, with a lawyer and start filing stuff which she will have to do. But that is not how Lousy Spouse Survivors like to use their valuable time. We think that lousys can go to jail for not paying child support. But for all the other little aspects of your agreement, make sure there is some way to get it enforced....And do let us know when you figure it out!!

ALIMONY AND SUPPORT

There are income tables that will dictate the amount of support that Lousy will pay. It is not generally affected by the fact that Lousy is lousy. You will end up at virtually the same place, as if the split was amicable. Ugh!

You must be honest with your lawyer and your spouse about your assets and liabilities. It is at this point that some lawyers may dismiss you - if there's no money to go after, then you may not be worth their time. Yeah, lousy lawyers.

A Lousy may quit working, shuffle around their assets or pay structure in an effort to pay less support. Yeah, that's lousy, but it won't work either. In determining your income - both parties must present a number of years worth of income tax returns. If Lousy made a $60 grand salary last year, and is making only $8 an hour now flipping burgers, it is all taken into account. If you've both been cheating on your taxes for years then you may be screwed, but that's kind of an I-told-you-so moment for the government. Honesty is the best policy.

Child Support is different from alimony and is awarded to the custodial parent. You may not get any alimony, but if you have that custody, then you are entitled to support payments. There is a minimum amount that is standard, and that may be all you get, but it's better than nothing.

If you are paying or receiving either of these support payments, then consult with your accountant as there are differences in the tax liabilities.

THE FINAL DOCUMENTS

What you will end up with at the end of this process is a Permanent Settlement Agreement, with different names in different states. It outlines all the rules of your new relationship with your spouse. A Parenting Plan will also be a part of this document if you have kids. That will detail the custody schedule and rules.

The titles and formats of this document will be different in every county and state, but they are all the same - this is his, this is hers. You can specify other things, like who takes what deductions from your tax bills, who is responsible for what bills and debts, and how long Lousy has to get their crap out of your house.

The hardest thing to negotiate is the terms of sharing the children. It is a sickening feeling to split up your child's days like a stack of coins. Even when you think you have all the details nailed down, there are still opportunities for minor revisions until you finally sign. Jane had to struggle for small adjustments - like allowing each parent a couple of hours on the child's birthday. She may have been generous enough to offer, but Lousy was not bound to be until this went in the final document - and she knows better.

Permanent Settlement Agreement (PSA) Tips

Here are some issues to think about when you get to the point where you are working on your PSA. These are only some tips, and things to think about – again we have no perfect answers, but we have made plenty of mistakes. Let’s all try to learn from them. We welcome our lawyer friends to post to the forum, and add some insight.

• If you and Lousy are on the deed to your house or other jointly owned property together, what happens if one of you dies and the other is remarried? Could you possibly own your family home with Lousy’s new wife?

• Make sure your wills are updated to reflect your new change in marital circumstance. You would not want your estate any more tangled up than it will already be – thanks to Lousy – in the event of an untimely death.
• Check the dates that your support payments are due, and synchronize this with the date that your bills are due. It is a huge inconvenience if the support arrives at odd dates, because you are constantly juggling.
• PSA enforcement. Keep a copy handy so that you can refer to it in the event of a breakdown of communication. You can always say, “Lousy, see page 5, paragraphs b and c, and comply.” This document will be enforceable by the police in the unfortunate situation that you should need to resort to that. Try to be familiar with the document, and it is best, while the divorce is fresh, to try to stick with this agreement. 
• We are also learning about a Post-Divorce Decree to adjust all the things that aren't working after the final decree is signed....we will report more details as we learn them... if you have details on this, please share with your fellow Lousy Spouse survivors!

Remember that this is not only an agreement between you, but it is filed with the Court and enforceable by law. You do not get to pick and choose which paragraphs you adhere to, and those you don't want to bother with. Non-conformance to the final agreement is called Contempt of Court and is something that is prosecutable. Don't play games or you'll end up pissing off the judge. For example: my lawyer had a case where the Lousy ex was required by the PSA to provide health insurance for the kids, but it didn't say he had to give the insurance cards to their custodial parent so she could use them... Yeah, the judge slapped him around for that one.

Please Note: The information provided herein is a guide only. Our readers and members should seek professional help from counselors, financial experts and attorneys as needed.