So if I am reading this correctly you showed up at your ex husbands parents house uninvited with no prior notice to them. You have a website where you call your ex husband a liar, cheater and irresponsible. What air were you trying to clear? Are you suprised that they 'run away' from you? Here you are with a website where you air all your dirty laundry for anyone to read. Do you make money from this website? It seems that you do from your advertising on the right hand side. Your children in a few years will see this site and be ashamed that their lousy, irresponsible Mother has created it!!!

Here is a guy's perspective. Who cares? Just treat it like a business deal, and focus on your kid. Women need to vent and get it out in the open, I get it. That is what they do, and how their impact on the world is felt. Dudes don't care.

It's interesting how different families deal with Lousys - the Lousy's family especially! In my case, I've just gotten divorced last month and we've been separated for over a year and yet I have and continue to speak to my ex mother-in-law pretty much every day. Also, I spent Christmas eve with my ex's family (minus the Lousy who lives in another state). I have had loving conversations and contacts with them and their children (ages 19 to 23) except for one brother who, in my opinion, is worse than my Lousy. He tends to side with his brother with much negativity towards me - my ex has affairs and I decide I'm not putting up with that once I discover it and I'm the bad one in his eyes.

The other family members know who I am and realize that, without taking sides verbally, I'm still part of the family after 26 years and nothing but positive, loving contact during those years. They have called me, sent me cards and come to visit me. I have not spoken badly about my ex to them or tried to convince them that he's the jerk that he is. I believe they know the situation pretty clearly. After all, they knew about his philandering before I did.

It's hard to know just how to handle the Lousy's family and their allegiance or lack there of to him/her or you. I'm sure it's different with each family and the circumstances involved.

This is a hard situation to face any way you look at it and no one should invalidate another's feelings or try to discredit a person because of the emotional aspect of this. We're all just trying to cope and move forward in life after or during a very hurtful experience.

My in laws have totally turned their back on me. I am sure it is pretty rough being the parent of a lousy, after all we are all a result of our parents' efforts, values and character. As they say, the apple does not fall far from the tree. Also, goodness knows what Lousy has said about me. He is the type to blame everyone else for his fall from grace. I guess it is easier than facing the music - the truth. I am not sure what I would say if I ever saw them. My guess is that I would clam up, and say nothing. That is sort of what I do it stressful situations. It sorta makes me happy to hear that Jane confronted them...because I would never have the guts to do that.

Indeed, and at last the issue of the ex in-laws. Well. I never cared for mine. I tried for 14 years to make nice and with my effort they had a relationship with their son who does not care for them or respect them either. I won't list their attrocities and negative attributes here as the details do not matter. The bottom line is that while my children do love them and they seem to return that and want to be a part of their lives, they have ruined any possibility of having a relationship with me by their own actions. I put out a few olive leafs - really that has just made it worse as they are too high on their horses to see it.

Good luck I say as I agree about that apple. Their lousy son now espouses their negative attributes that I thought he had somehow managed to avoid...nope - all there just lying underneath. I am so done with them. I have a huge family that will surround my children. They have blown it for that. Less with them is more if this is how they are I don't see them as good role models. THey have insulted me and treated me like the hired help for all of our time together. I am sure gatherings are tougher now without their personal person tending to the children as they all gather and pretend they are spending time with them.

I won't miss them. Getting their bad air out of my life is a plus in this new world I live in. Good riddance.

As for this web site - Jane - really you took a wrongful bullet there. Your children will love that you stood up and tried to find a way to help others find an outlet and connection to others going through some really very painful stuff. Thank you.

The in-law situation for me is unconventional. I love them very much. I was with my lousy for 26 yrs; married for 23. My parents are no longer living and while his parents cannot "replace" mine, I have always gotten along with them .

They stayed at my house last weekend. They live out of town. Prior to their arrival, I explained my feelings. My one request was that they not go out with Lousy and the new girlfriend if they want to stay here. They could see him, but not her, That was too painful for me. Much to my surprise, they agreed!

We had a nice visit and did not talk about the situation until late Sunday night. The three of us are sad. They have accepted the girlfriend. If they are willing to not see her to stay with me, that is all that I can ask. My children were thrilled to have their grandparents at the house.

Will they stay here again? That depends on them. The decision is theirs. I do keep in touch with them in betwen visits and I know they still consider me their daughter in law, for now.

Getting Stronger, I have no problem with the arrangement that you made. You seem to have acted in a responsible manner. However for Jane to show up at her In Laws house unsolicited purposely so as her In Laws 'could not run away' -her words is unnaceptable and wrong. Furthermore for her to 'share her lousy truths' is again wrong. This website 'lousy spouse' is a bad example for young children period! Yvonne I really doubt anyone kids would be proud of their parent if they did this, especially if they love the other party. You can buy a tshirt on this site that says Lousy Spouse? You wear that around your children? It just doesn't make any sense...

MJ - you are so eager to complain! Did or do you have a Lousy Spouse? If not, then you really, really don't know what you're talking about or what any of us go through.
FYI - my daughter has an idea that I have a website, but she has no idea what it's about. She often sees people stopping me around town and telling me how much they like it, but she is content that her mom makes people smile.
She also knows that I can't stand her father, or his new redneck wife, but I've also told her that she never should feel bad or uncomfortable about loving them and that she doesn't have to hide that from me. I've taught her that she doesn't have to like or dislike anyone just because I do. That is especially true of my in-laws. I don't want to cut them out of her life, but their timid inaction had left them and her sad.
I mentioned showing up uninvited, but really - that's why doorbells were invented. To refer to my in-laws "running away" is a comment on their ability to cope with conflict... and yes, they may have run away or made some other excuse to be too busy if they knew I was coming. In the end it was not scary for anyone, but the anticipation would have made them crazy. I've known these people for 13+ years, I know them pretty well. I also know that Lousy has evolved into a big fat liar, and whether or not it was constructive to tell them truths, it sure made me feel better. Yeah, it's all about me.
MJ, do you have anything constructive to add here? or are you just here to bitch about LousySpouse? Get with the program, or get lost.

You go girl! While I might not handle stuff the same way or agree with how others do...this site allows me an annonymous way to vent vent and vent. I am new at this unexpected nightmare come my way. I present to my children a strong person capable of anything and strong/happy. venting at this sight is one outlet that helps me "put out the garbage in the garbage" so that I am more able to present this person to my children who really need me that way. THey need never know the rantings here you don't know me and never will. Do we want to bash their fathers for them to see? NO - I stand up for him, lie for him...nurture their relationship as much as I can. But make no misunderstanding about it - I hate him for what he has done to our family and takes no responsibility. What I do I do for my little ones who deserve so much more.

That is why we created this "safe" place for all to share the feelings they can't tell anyone else with such annonymity Jane and I had each other to complain to, none of us use real names here, so our situations are private and confidential. This website, despite the crazy name, is a place to let loose, feel like you are not alone, and to heal. The ranting and bitching is simply a part of the process - and an important one. We all hope to move on, raise loving adorable children, and realize the potential and happiness that we all are capable of.
Mary Jane, if you don't love it, leave it. There are other sites for folks like you. Not to make you feel unwelcome, but honestly, why comment if you are being judgemental and destructive. Move on, my dear....

To all who've been following this, this is Mary Jane's final post:

Yes I do have something to add. I hope and trust that you are in therapy for the issues you are and have experienced with this divorce. It's clear the fact that your ex has re-married has angered you. You call her a redneck, which is not very nice. And no it's not all about you. You have children, it's about them and teaching them how to put things in the past and not dwell on the bad things that we all face in life. Nobody is perfect and maybe simply your husband was no longer in love with you. Bash him forever? by calling him lousy, his wife a redneck and creating a website called lousyspouse.
Move on, my dear.... - Mary Jane

Dear Readers:
It is now very evident to me that "Mary Jane" is the redneck new spouse to whom I refer.
So this is my response to the stranger in my child's life:
You poor thing, you are so clearly in denial of your circumstances. I did not start a website because my lousy ex divorced me... I started it because Lousy created a web of lies that were revealed in the months that he dragged out our divorce. Today the man is over $100,000 in debt, unemployed, has very few marketable skills, has no car and has not collected a real paycheck since early 2006. You've got a real winner there, and his family appreciates your taking him on.
I refer to you as a redneck because it is the least offensive thing I can say about a woman who screws another woman's husband and then marries him less than 90 days after their divorce. First class all the way. There are other forum topics for that discussion.
I don't dwell in the past, I'm still dealing with the aftermath of 13 years with a man that I trusted. We have another 10 years of co-parenting together, so we will remain in each others' lives as long as he lives within a 2-hour drive of my child.
Lousy Spouses by definition are not just those who walk out on their families due to their failures and/or cowardice. A Lousy Spouse creates chaos.
People divorce all the time. There is a right way to get a divorce, and a truly Lousy Spouse never does it the right way. Sadly, once a Lousy, always a Lousy. Their modus oprandi are set, and they have very little success in being the honest, good, responsible or reliable person they once were. Ellen can attest to that.
So, Mary Jane, we say goodbye to you and wish you strength in your doomed marriage. Do not worry about me or my child, as I am operating in the manner of which I preach. Plenty of advice and resources are available on this site... so don't forget us, you'll need us one day.

(If Mary Jane is not the new wife of my Lousy ex, then this is just an open letter to her. She's heard it before, and now all of our readers understand us a little better.)

I apologize to our readers for this digression. This is not a dead topic, I am interested in hearing from others who have to deal with their ex-in-laws. Are they as lousy as the Lousy? or have they redeemed themselves from spawning those errant offspring?

Jane,

The beauty and freedom here is that you can react any way you feel is best where your in-laws are concerned. You strike me as extremely centered and sincere --and have the best interests of your child in your heart. So, you don't have to answer to anyone or be dutiful or explain yourself (ever!) --you just have to take care of yourself and your precious child. Feel sorry for them, get mad at the enabling, but do your own thing in your own way -- freedom! You're not married to the lousy anymore! Yea!

By the way, although we know the caliber of lousy, it also amazes me the caliber of woman who does the cheating -- PATHETIC!

Jane - I too am havng issues w/ my soon to be ex inlaws. Not all, but some. My stbx has 2 brothers and 2 sisters and his parents. Although his mother did not agree with what he did to me, she supported him and seems to welcome his new "love" with open arms. We used to be close, but she hasn't called me in months. It hurts. His younger sister e-mails me and bashes the both of them, yet, they went to visit her the other day. His older brother wants nothing to do with him as does his other sister. His younger brother, I'm not so sure where he stands, and his father is staying out of it completely. I am not suggesting in any way that his family should disown him or never speak to him again, but the bottom line is, it hurts. These people have been my second family for 22 years and to see some of them just accept this new woman who has taken my place so easily, well, again, it just hurts. I will remain in contact with the ones that want to stay in contact with me, but if the others don't, well, what can I do? I don't have small children, my daughter is 19 and she is old enough to decide what she wants to do. I'm struggling right now with the fact that the whole time my daughter was growing up, she did not have any kind of meaningful relationship w/ her father, but now he calls her, takes her out, tries to be her friend. The other night my daughter even went to "their" apartment. I can't be mad at my daughter for wanting to see her dad and maybe finally having some sort of relationship with him, but it hurts. She does not agree with what he's doing, and she doesn't care for the new woman, but I can't blame her for wanting to see her dad. Maybe it just saddens me that she can have a relationship with him and I can't. As horrible as it is what he did to me, I'm having a hard time letting go. We were together 24 years and it's hard for me to just cast that aside. Sometimes I feel like I want him back, other times I know it would never be the same, but the hurt is still there. I know our situations are not the same, but I understand where you're coming from

Jane
I just read all of this forum.
What you and Ellen have given to other people with this web site is fantastic.
Keep up the good work.

Hi jane,
my husband left me 6 months ago, i always got on well with my in-laws. My mother in-law was very upset and angry with her son for walking out on me and my young girls, while i was on maternity leave. i went to her house, she reassured me she would be there for me, she would call to my house, help with the children etc. She hasn't called to my house to this day, not even over the christmas period. sometimes i would love to run into her but most times i'm glad i don't. i would have nothing positive to say to her. i feel let down by her and her husband, i feel hurt, i feel sad, i feel angry. i know she has said to her daughter, who i have contact with, that he must have his reasons. God that makes me so mad. She has given me no support, she is a mother too, i don't know how she could turn her back on me when her son did too. i hope this doesn't happen to her daughters. i do feel she is burying her head in the sand. i have heard that she has been crying and upset when talking to people, but this is no help to me. ifeel rejected on the double. i was given the "you'll always be part of our family" speech, but it didn't ring through.

That seems to me to be an easy one...seems these women are facing every mother's nightmare. The fact that they did a shitty job raising their kid.
My lame idiot mother in law came to my house 1 month after I found out her loathsome spawn was banging his assistant, and she said to me (she is taller than me, and kind of a bully...) "Don't you think there's two sides to every story??" She has a horrendous Long Island accent, so it sounded more like "Dontcha think theahs two sydes to everie storie?
I'm like, hey lady, your son was getting blow jobs under his desk from his assistant while I was home nursing our newborn? What's the other side?
That you did a shitty job as a mom, and don't deserve to set foot in my house? THAT is the other side.
Lo-sers.

they're in denial alright. yeah my friend said that she did a lousy job raising him too. it's terrible for you that your husband had the affair and she's still blaming you. but you know my husband walked out on me and my 2 girls, the youngest was 5 months old and all he would say was that he didn't love me anymore. i'm still confused and shocked 6 months later. i think sometimes it would be easier to understand if he'd had an affair, although the thoughts of him with someone else makes me feel very upset. i wonder too if his mother would still be so supportive of him. he's back living with her, even though she told me she wouldn't let him.

That serves your mother in law right. Now that she has her lousy spawn under her roof...so she can further enable him to walk out on his family, and turn his back on his obligations. All the while taking dignity and respect from you.....and humiliating you and your children. Way to go lousy mother! Way to go Lousy! Not only are you a crappy son and husband, but a moron of a father too! And goodness only knows the lies he has told the two faced mother in law about you. My Lousy has launched a complete character assasination on me I am sure..that is a good one...who has the children, the house, the car, the job, all our friends? Not him. Me. Whatever. His karmic blitzkreig will come soon enough. I hope I enjoy it as much as I anticipate. And he is pretty dumb. I recently found his college transcript...he had a bunch of F's and D's. I should have known he had rocks between his ears and that he thinks with something other than his brain....

I am the outlaw to a Lousy.
I was babysitting last night in order for my daughter to attend a class.
Lousy is to return the children ages 3 and 5 at 7pm when he sees them on a week night.
He brought them home at 8:30. He is court ordered not to enter the house. I opened the door and said "Fred, 8:30 is not acceptable" He did not answer.
When my daughter returned I left to go home and found that Lousy had left a note on my car saying "you are not their parent"
First, it was creepy that he left a note.......on a napkin....unsigned....
Second,it is the grandparents job is to protect their grandchildren especially from a man like my ex-son-in-law.
Agree?????

You are a saint. My children are the same age and we have the same schedule dropping them off at that evening time. My lousy is not great at picking them up on time...or even wanting to see the children for his designated times. He does, however, always drop them off on time or early...anxious I guess to get back to his single lifestyle. Lousies come in so many shapes and colors. That he is so desrespectful to their bedtimes at such young ages is not acceptable. That he would write a note for you is just cowardly. My mother is broken hearted over dealing with my lousy as my whole family loved him until he turned on all of us. These lousies are mentally ill. Sane and rational people don't behave the way they do. Wishing for a freight train to run them over is pretty much all we have for hope on that one. Raise the children to be resilient to his bad behavior. Don't let him get to you.

This guy is a bully and knows that you have the psychological power. And that he has relinquished that which he values most in the world - power. He is a feeble man, and it sounds to me that, through your actions, and love for your grandchildren that you are helping to fill a void that this moron created. Keep it up grandma.

Update on Fred. So I was babysitting again this week for my daughter and Fred did better... he had the children home at 8:25. He was suspose to have them here at 7. He was five minutes earlier than last week. Being the polite southern lady that I am I thanked him for bringing them home earlier and I asked him how are your parents. He did not answer me. So I asked a second time "how are your parents" he does not answer again but my five year old granddaughter does..... She says "Grannie,he doesn't have parents"
Fred leaves with out speaking then calls my daughter who is taking an exam at school and rants in her voice mail that I can not keep my mouth shut and then he threatens her.
I ask what does he expect?? That he can spend the next 15 to 20 years pretending I do not exist?
He needs to get over himself.
You can abandon and divorce your wife and family but we never go away.

Barb -
You are so right. That Fred - what a tool! I've observed that a lot of these guys get hostile when they walk out on their families. My unprofessional opinion is that it is projected guilt that makes them angry. They know they are screw-ups, they know they have destroyed their families, so they prefer to act like it's everybody's fault but theirs.
My loser Lousy refuses to speak to me directly... I don't know if he's scared of me or his new wife. He was in contempt of court on about 8 different charges - he had to pay my lawyer for taking him to task. In my mind that equals an admission of guilt, and no skin off my nose - so I'm not angry. He's still pissed off at me - because he didn't follow the simple rules in our settlement... ? Typical... so put upon - a classic Lousy Crybaby!