3 months ago i found out that my"lousy" of 18yrs (boyfriend for nearly 10 more) had cheated on me with his former secretary. I posted at that time about the sordid details. Since that time, we have gone to counseling and have attempted to repair our relationship. Much of my "lousy's" issues pertain to his "need" to be free and do what he wants. While he states he still loves me he does not feel it in his heart- does that make any sense???

Initially, after I found out we were going to separate but given the time of year we thought we would hold on until after the holidays. During our counseling sessions, a well timed girls weekend and subsequent emotional breakdown of my "lousy" as a result of the weekend, we decided that we wanted to give it a go.

We started out great but since then my "lousy" has become distant once again. When I confronted him about it, he informed me that the entire affair was my fault and that he had great resentment towards me as a result. I thought I was the one who was supposed to be resentful.

I now find myself at the crossroads of the end of my marriage. This was probably the final straw- the ultimate insult. I told my "lousy" that I was not responsible for his actions and that he needs to own up to his mistakes and actions.

We have three kids and he is very scared to leave them but I don't think we can't continue like this becuase I am truly beginning to hate him even more than I did three months ago.

I didn't sleep a wink last night and that is not healthy for me. I now need to worry about me!!!

HE is now the victim? yes, my lousy often positions himself as the victim. Well, he is the victim - of HIMSELF, his upbringing and all the baggage they try to dump on US. Perhaps they believe if they can hang it all on US then leaving us and taking it out on us is all justified. Reject the hazardous waste spew - YES, think about YOU YOU YOU. Of course I must disclosure that I am tainted from my own experience that began only 6 months ago. I would never believe this is the person I married so long ago. It is so cliche. good luck in the difficult decisions on what to do next. I hope that whatever you decide that you are able to grow and thrive within the decision - NOT just survive

Thanks Yvonne! Yes apparently he is now the victim. It really amazes me that he has resentment. He says his resentment is stemming from me not loving him enough!! when I ask him what that means he just says "if I don't know by now." What the hell does that mean? He says all I care about is keeping him in my house and that everything I do is for hiim and not me? How crazy is that?

I just don't know anymore- I really feel like I am the crazy one at this point. How can one deal with this "lousy?"

I do need to be strong for my kids and for me too! I have a son going to college in two years and no money to pay for it since "lousy" lost it in the stock market and a big mortgage.

Just too overwhelming!!!

THe answers will reveal themselves when you are ready. Begin reinventing yourself by taking control of YOUR actions and ignore his. In any event you need to build your emotional "arsenal" as it will get worse before it gets better if you leave. I am not saying leaving is your only option. Perhaps serious counseling can help with a GOOD therapist (again - I am tainted as our therapist let us down - my lousy lied all the way through convincing us he was ALL in and loved me and wanted it all to work out - right up to the day he sucker punched me and kicked me out of my life without warning). Sorry for the segway - it's hard. we are all damaged goods at this sight. in short - think only about YOU and your son. forget about taking care of lousy - that is his job

You know as I sit here and contemplate my next move, I realize the my "lousy" is truly on a path of self destruction and apparently wants be to be destroyed too. As I have posted before, a month ago, I thought we had turned the corner and were going to be able to move forward but now that is not possible. Even after my husband blamed me for his affair and told me that I was only being with him to keep him in my house, I realized that he will never take responsibility for what he did. Last night, after I told him that I could not sleep or eat because I was so upset about what he had told me, he said "what do you mean? About me leaving?" I said no but he was just so callus and flip and it was at that moment that I knew the future would not be bright.

We will now wait until our counseling session on Monday to discuss with our therapist how to move forward separately. I need to tell my three children and our families (who all live in the same town.) I am just devastated by this man who I have known more than 1/2 my life. I cannot believe this is where we ended up but I guess that is life.

THat moment of "clarity" in what you must do I am sure was both empowering and totally frightening as well as shocking. To think that this person we called our closest confidant and best friend for so long really cares so little about our person is devasting. I am still reeling from this realization myself. But I read about it so much and It is hard to believe the textbook nature of it. Keep moving forward. I am so sorry this is happening to you - I am way too empathetic on this issue. TAke care of yourself. Stop talking to him about your personal feelings. Stop mistaking him for someone who cares about YOU. That will only make it worse when he continually demonstrates that he doesn't. That has been one of my toughest lessons but thankfully my support people have been tough with me and forced me to see things clearly so I could pick my little self up off the puddle of tears on the floor and begin moving again. You can do it. Your future is waiting for you to create it anew. Think of it as a new adventure waiting for you. Perhaps it could be brighter than you ever imagined!

It WILL be brighter!! I know going forward and reinventing yourself is not only scary and hard to do (if you're like me and not good with major change) but it's also a bit invigorating and exciting - REALLY! I just moved from my home of 15 years which was so hard - I'm still reeling from the divorce in Dec. 2009 after 26 years together and the move two weeks ago! My saga continues - every day still there's crisis or a new discovery that makes me know in my soul that the divorce was the best thing and the healthiest move I could have ever made for myself and my sanity. My ex I discovered recently evidently was "setting up a household" in each city he was working in over the years with other women. He truly was leading another life outside what I thought was a happy family life we were living. I've been told there may even be a child involved!!! (another John Edwards or maybe he thinks he's Tiger Woods?) This man is almost 56 years old, obese, diabetic, alcoholic, druggie, narcissistic, self-centered, lying, cheating, IMPOTENT creep (trying to keep it clean)!!! For the record, he has the worst character ever and the people in his life, his girlfriends, his "best buddies", his brother, etc. are low-life, leeches of society - get the picture? I was blind to this for a llllllooooooonnnnnnggggg time - the queen of denial I guess. I KNOW in my heart that I am much better going forward in honesty, spirituality, finding out who I am, standing on my own and others have been absolutely amazed at who I've become during this metamorphosis!! Actually, it's who I've been all along - he just wouldn't let me be who I was and am. He was the one in control and overtaken by his sense of control and manipulation.

If this sounds anything like your situation, Yvonne and Justfoundout, you will come out of this stronger, more alive and confident! Even if the stories aren't the same, the circumstances are similar and you and I are dealing with ASSES who will regret their behavior one day - that's my fantasy! I'm not expecting that but it IS my fantasy!! You guys hang in there - we'll all get through this - together!! Sending love, peace and blessings.