I'm brand new here. Guess I'm looking for any advice/support I can get. My life has been completely turned upside down by the man I've loved and been married to for 22 years. He turned 45 in Sept. 09, I've thought for a long time he's had some depression issues, but nothing that ever stood in the way of him functioning. I should mention that he's also a functioning alcoholic and has been for years, but again, he has a great job, has always been a more than adequate provider. So here goes: shortly before his 45th birthday he re-connected with an old girlfriend from when they were 15/16 years old on facebook, which I believe is evil now. This girl cheated on him and got pregnant by some other guy way back then, they went their seperate ways and never spoke again, until the end of Aug. this year. At the same time, he re-connected with an old friend from high school who makes her living as a psychic. The psychic friend told him he had "abilities" and that was it, he was buying books on the subject, playing with tarot cards, jumping in with both feet. Pretty soon the old ex-girlfriend had these same abilities and things just went completely crazy from there. My husband has obviously snapped. Call it a mid-life crisis, call it what you want, but there's no doubt in my mind that there is something physically, as well as mentally wrong with him. The ex-girlfriend took all this and ran with it. Now they're "meant to be together," they are "soulmates" and my husband has had a spiritual "awakening" and he's "not the same person he used to be." He claims to see and talk to spirits, casts out demons, crosses people over, etc. etc., you name it. So now they are destined to do this stuff together. My husband says it's what God wants him to do. So, they eventually met up and the inevitable happened. That's right, they both committed adultery. I should mention she's married too, for 23 years. Too many things have happened to list here, but the bottom line is he is leaving tomorrow to move her from the state she lives in, to the state we live in. I am completely devastated even though I know that he truly is no longer the man I married, I know I could not live with his craziness with all the psychic stuff, but the sadness that cuts me completely to the bone will not go away. I've been in counseling and it doesn't seem to be helping, probably because I've been holding out hope that he will snap out of whatever this is and get some help, both with his substance abuse and emotional help, but he refuses. He will not talk to anyone but "her" and his mother (who is also a little off her rocker) and I know it's because he doesn't want anyone to tell him he's wrong. I realize I'm mourning the man he used to be, not who he is now, but the thought of him leaving to be with her is tearing me apart. Does anyone out there have any suggestions on how to cope with being alone all of a sudden, having to pick up the pieces and start over, not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel? The only decent thing is that he's leaving me everything, he wants none of the profit from the sale of our house, he wants nothing that's in it, he even wanted to give me his entire pension (which isn't allowed, but I will take 1/2). He has not been mean to me, he cries and says he's sorry, which I know is all his guilt, but I almost think it would be easier if he was a complete jerk and just said "hey, I don't love you anymore, I'm outta here." But, he insists that this is all his fault and he knows it, that he never meant to hurt me, there was nothing wrong with our relationship, he's going to continue to "be there" for me and make sure I'm all set before he sets out to do what he is calling "God's work." He has really convinced himself that this is his "new life path that God wants him to walk." I know it's all nuts, but he's moving forward and going on with his plan, but I'm left in the dust and I don't know how to handle it. Help!

Call a lawyer, immediately. Do not grab the first you find - see this site for tips on finding the right one. He has already checked out of the marriage, so you need to protect yourself.
Things are amicable now, but with another woman in the picture, and all of his other problems be prepared for things to deteriorate quickly. Do not let him manipulate you or the situation to his advantage. Work with him as well as you can for as long as you can, but get on top of this now.
I don't want to be the voice of doom, but seriously, how well can this go?

Yes, get an attorney while he is sad, guilty and agreable. That only last one minute. My lousy also reconnected with an old college flame on facebook...and I too am a victim of sudden single motherhood with 2 little wee ones to boot. Get your support group in order. Treat it like a death. For he did die to you. Do NOT trust him with your feelings. Plan your exit. STand up and look forward. Cry cry cry cry cry - believe me I have more action plans that are drenched in tear drops...I am 5.5 months into this new life. I had to buy a house, move my children, respond to divorce papers (making sure I had what I could get as he fought for it), disentangle my business from his and I still have to find a new office. No stone unturned for his "Ann Boleyn" (King henry VIII's 2nd wife). take little steps each day to empower yourself. Stop looking to him for what you used to look for. That is the hardest thing that is asked of us but you must disconnect and look inward. lean on your support group or get one.

It will continue to seem surreal. You will be angery and sad even when you get past the shock. You are still in shock. Denial is big and it all vacilates around - shock, denial, anger, sadness...

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I feel empathy now for all who are suffering at the hands of a "mad man or woman". For you must realize as we all do that sane and rational people don't treat people like this or behave like this.

Pick up your pieces, get attorney, and look ahead. It will get easier as you become self empowered.

Good luck, all people at this site have their story to tell.

You are NOT alone - believe me!! I was married for 24 years and just got divorced this month. I too have a 19 year old - son in college but not far away. The suggestions already given to you are absolutely what you need to concentrate on: 1. best attorney; 2. good therapist; 3. support group - family and friends will sustain you through this and beyond - that's what's gotten me through this ordeal most of all and faith that you'll be ok. You definitely will get to the point of anger but your lousy knows and acknowledges he's wrong so far and providing for you financially so it's harder to be angry with him now.

In my case, I hadn't worked for 20 years and am 62 starting over. Trying to find a job at this point in my life and in this economy is impossible! This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with in my life!! The betrayal is immense emotionally and spiritually. I'm still very hurt and very angry both at my ex and my attorney (he didn't protect me the way he should have) but I'm moving on and looking forward to the future without the verbal abuse and deceit I've dealt with through the years.

It will get better as you move through this but you've got much to deal with and straighten out before you're at that point. Hang in there and keep those friends and family members close to your heart! I know you're hurting and I feel your pain - I'm sure all of us who've been through this do - just know you're NOT alone. Keep reading all the postings on this site - it's really helpful.

Dear itcameoutofnowhere,
You're right, that is the strangest story I've ever heard! It makes me think he is having some sort of emotional breakdown, but... you can't concern yourself with that right now. Take all the above advice and PROTECT YOURSELF!!!!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are NOT alone.

My wise mom told me to look in the mirror and tell myself I am a good person each day. My mom told me to "pull myself up with my boot straps"...as i cried to her on the phone. My sisters have listened while I cried in the parkinglot outside of my office I share with my now future ex-spouse. They send me back into the ring to keep fighting. I had to take sleeping pills early on. It does get easier to swallow - this bitter unexpected pill. Be brave, be strong. Be good to yourself. Indulge in something that makes you feel better. Be selfish. Nurture yourself. Let it go...Let it go. Make sure you don't hang your hat of happiness on his demise. It might never happen. Look the other way. Get a good therapist. The rest of your life awaits you - it could be an exiting adventure when you are able to pull it into view. I visit this sight often because I feel your pain and am working through it all myself. It really is aweful but it does become manageable. It is all up to you - NOT him.

That is right...this is just the beginning. Not the end, although transition is not without some bumps and challenges...

I can relate ! My situation feels surreal to me too!

My nightmare began in June and had it not been for my sisters, friends and therapist, I would be in a psych ward! I am 49 with two fantastic kids ; one in college, one in high school. Shock, rage and fear are now my constant companions.

I have retained a lawyer who (hopefully) will worth his outrageous fees .I worry I may have to sell my house because I do not think i can afford to live in it on my salary.

I feel like now I only have bad days and really bad days. Much of my time is divorce driven ( paperwork, cleaning out his stuff etc) I recently asked my best friend recently " what did we talk about for 17 years before I got seperated? This is the biggest nightmare I have ever had. For me, it is all consuming. I have buried my mom and many other beloved family members over the years. Nothing has rocked my world like this.

My new year's resolution is to reduce the amount of time I spend blaming myself for lousy's actions. He acted like Tiger Woods. I am trying to find me again, after 23 years of being "Mrs. Lousy" and thinking our marriage was strong.

My advice echos the others..protect yourself.

Get a good lawyer! I spoke to many lawyers over the phone and then 3 in person . I learned which questions to ask from those who have gone down the road before me.

Get a therapist. No excuses!

I try to remember that I am not responsible for lousy's poor choices.

I am planning on making 2010 a better year for me and my children.

You post helped me to remember that I am not alone. Thanks for sharing!

Getting Stronger --
what questions should I ask for the attorneys...i am tempted to just grab the first one because I am so nervous and freaked out...but from what i see here that can be a costly mistake...i have no idea what /who to look for....

i spent a lot of time talking to lawyers, mostly on the phone. I wanted one who specialized in divorce..not family law or someone who did medical malpratice or employment law.
I chose someone who was aggresive. That is what I wanted. I met others who were more interested in collaborative divorce. That was not for me. Maybe it will work for you, but I was not sold on that.

I spoke to people who had gotten divorced as well as friends who were lawyers. I spent a month looking for the right one. I took my search seriously, as it is a huge expense and I have a lot at stake. My lousy earns 3 times my salary!

I would recommend getting on the internet and looking at websites. Do not rush into anything. You can ask for references! Remember, you have control, while you may not know the law, you can ask questions, seek financial council from a different source , whatever you need. I have spoken to fiancial planners, accountants, friends with more money sense than myself etc.

I confess, I feel stressed and overwhelmed with the paperwork and legal aspect of my divorce. After a recent two hour consult, I was so emotionally drained, I could not do much the rest of the day. It is an unpleasant expereince for me, but I am trying to deal with it. Some days are better than others.

I hope this helps...

Thank you...it does help. I already feel exhausted...I don't want to spend the next year consumed by this.
JT

OMG, I am truly having a meltdown now. Thursday was so bad my sister had to call my doctor for medication. I couldn't stop cryng all day, yesterday was a little better, but last night I dreamed of him all night and now this morning I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin again. I have a therapy appt. this afternoon and I'm afraid she's going to commit me. I can't handle this. The pain and sadness are too overwhelming. I don't know which way to turn or what to do with myself. The book I'm reading says until I get to the angry stage I will most likely remain depressed. I don't want to be this way, I don't want to be depressed but I can't seem to lift myself out of it. I try over and over to tell myself how lousy he is for doing this to me, but I never get mad, I just cry more and more. I can't take this anymore. I haven't eaten anything but two pieces of toast in the last 2 days because everything I try I throw up.. I can't take this anymore.

It's good you're in therapy. It took me over a year to get to one and I believe it's the best thing to start immediately. Hope she's a good one. As far as your being depressed, that's very normal - I lost so much weight and it seems everyone does. I was able to get anti-anxiety meds. and sleeping pills (I couldn't sleep - still can't). There are several books you could try to read or go through to help you with what you're facing: "Crazy Time" and "Divorce & Money" - I'm sure there are others but these both have helped me immensely, as well as a book on surviving a verbally abusive relationship (I've packed it away and can't find the exact title but I'll try to find for you if you need it). "Crazy Time" is what you're going through - step-by-step - we've all gone through these stages. Believe me, you will get to the anger at some point. Make sure you have a good lawyer and therapist - most important!

I can't believe how hard this is to go through! After so many years together and to be so betrayed. I've had discussions with my son who's 19 and he's told me that he knows I didn't do anything to cause this even though my lousy continues to tell people how I cause him to "go into the arms of another woman." Actually, it was many, many women - not just one!!!

You hang in there and hold your head up! We're here for you too! We know what you're going through - first hand!!

Dear poor it came out of nowhere -

I don't mean to sound trite...but just think of how skinny you will be!! The same thing happened to me...all of my clothes were falling off me. It is because your body is having a physiological reaction to psychological trauma. My general practiioner prescribed Lexapro and also gave me a prescription to Zanex for when i had to deal with Lousy. Those meds really helped me cope. In the meantime, I loved being so thin -- with no effort. Enjoy that at least, because once you are happy again...in a year or so, you won't lose weight like that....

Hang in there...it totally sucks...but you can endure this....and you will....we are here for you....

Caroline

I might have lost some weight since Lousy left in sept, but I turned to alcohol for my support. Wine to be honest and I can put away a bottle a night and then some. It does not bode well for losing weight. However, i promised my sons I would not drink any longer so this is evening number two and although I know I would like to drink to ease the pain, take the edge off, I don't feel I have to have it. Sometimes i am in shock, sometimes in pain and sometimes so angry I could smack him upside the head.
kate

Kate - Please, please, please try your hardest not to drink. I know it's tempting, but I truly believe I would not have half the problems with my spouse that I have now if he was not an alcoholic. I am not suggesting that you would become one, but as much as you might be thinking you need it, you will only be creating a whole new problem. As hard as it is for me to hear, and it might be for you also, you have to feel the pain you're going through, you can't numb it or you will never be able to move past it. I have been having an awful couple of days knowing that my spouse is back in town with his new fantasy girl. He has yet to come back to the house and get his truck and his things and the anxiety of knowing he could walk through the door at any moment is enormous for me to handle. Not to mention the pain I am going through knowing he is with someone else, probably having the time of his life, and I am left here to grieve the loss of him and the life I thought I would have forever. Please don't start drinking. Drinking ruins lives, trust me, I know.

kate,
Thanks for sharing! I am glad you are making an effort not to drink. Keep on ! It is important to quit and your sons love you! You can do this, one night at a time! Hang in there!

Ok, so I've probably said this before, but my mess started late Aug., early Sept., but during the months of Oct. and Nov. there was always a glimmer of hope that things would change. During that time I was always anxious and nervous, living in the same house, knowing he was talking to "her" daily, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I left and went to live at my mother's on 12/6 until he announced he was leaving on 12/29 to go pick up his girlfriend to move her back here. The day he left I went back home, since then he's been back, moved his stuff out just this week, so even though this has been ongoing for some time, I feel like it's just started all over again. I assume this is normal, this is what the counselor says anyway. So I feel like I'm back at square one. I have more really bad days than bad days, no good days. My doctor put me on anti-depressants yesterday and I hope they level me out a little bit. I just can't get over the fact that he's really gone, he's really gone and done this. I can't stop thinking about him (them) and it's driving me nuts. I know no one can tell me when I will be able to calm down and stop thinking so much about the whole mess. I guess I just needed to vent today. This guy is NOT the guy I married, it feels like the person I married is dead and I don't know who this stranger is, but no matter how much I try, I cannot break the connection. I imagine it's not that easy after being together 24 years. After everything he's done and what he's put me through, you'd think I'd be mad as hell. I do have moments of anger and badmouthing him, but it only turns right back to sadness. Anyone feel the same? I still walk around the house expecting him to come through the door, home from work. I'm apprehensive to go anywhere for fear I'll bump into them. It's completely awful.

I think getting drugs was a good idea. Sometimes these emotions just get the better of us - existing in the flawed human condition that makes us who we are. Good to know you have a therapist. As hard as it sounds you will just have to push on through. Try to focus on doing things that are for YOU YOu you only. I find myself filled with all sorts of either extreme anger or extreme sadness...I try to force myself to think about somethign else - or just words "let it go let it go...". It is not easy. Try to engage in activities with people that are willing and understanding and patient to listening to your venting without judgement. A weekly session with a counselor is just not enough. You need daily interaction with people who care - who can surround you with love and nurturing to remind you of your worth and that you deserve to be loved and no matter what he does - that does not change. Take little baby steps - you will not notice the progress until you have made 100 of them but that will be a better day than not making any progress at all.

You know, it's almost like when someone does something this rotten to you, you'd just want to lash out and say the hell with him, he'll get his, he'll find out what he's missing, screw him, etc. etc., but no, we're left all screwed up, wandering aimlessly, for now, trying to figure out why, how, where do I go next, what do I do next. I've lost two sisters over the years due to health conditions and although I miss them and grieved the loss of them, this is 100 times worse. I'm sick of wondering where he is, what he's doing, if he thinks about me, if he feels bad, and then I can't figure out why I care. I hope there comes a day when I can post on this site that things are getting better. Guess I'll have to wait patiently.

You don't have to wonder about him. The reality is (and this is harsh but necessary): he is not thinking about you. He is thinking about himself. He has moved on. The best thing you can do is to start digesting that. No need to wonder. It is over.

The good news is that you don't have to wait for your happiness to come. You don't have to sit around and wonder when...You can actively participate in the attainment of your own happiness. Just do it. Easier said than done. I know, believe me I know. YOu need to start empowering yourself. YOu will reinvent who you are - you are someone WITHOUT him. Who you become is entirely up to you. Think of that as a sense of freedom - unlikely as that sounds.

I know I don't have to wonder about him, I just can't help it, it just happens. He's there for 24 years, and in a matter of weeks, he's gone and I'm brokenhearted. I'm trying, I'm really trying to let go and move on, it's just hard. I am an intelligent, awesome, hard working person, and I feel like this has beaten me down completely. I feel a bit better today than I have, but when all is quiet, or I hear a certain song, I can't help but think of him. I have to find a way to let go and I don't know how yet. I'm going to pick up the divorce proposal next Tues., and since he won't tell me where he's living, I'll have to call him to come and pick it up and I don't want to see him. I also have a potential offer coming in on the house and if it's good, I'll have to see him again to sign all the paperwork. Ugh. I just feel like I'm going to crumble and fall back to the beginning again.

Try to focus on what you DO have....what makes you happy...what brings YOU happiness....and do it...chances are you invested a lot in that Lousy piece of C$#@! and probably ignored your own potential for a while now...do you have nice neighbors? invite them over to your house and ask all to bring food and drinks to share...how about a church group? Reach out to them....people get so wrapped up in themselves that they forget to check in on others...also sometimes people don't know what to say...make it less awkward for them by saying "I would not know what to say either..." Thank goodness we have this site as a resource...
What about a class? It sounds like you are too fragile right now for that...but think about it. I am starting one in 2 weeks....I paid for my lousy to finish school, so now I am doing it for myself. I need to meet new people, learn something new, and not think about lousy....
hang in there dear....you must endure.....

Well, I did not think this day would come for a long time, but it looks like I have a decent offer on the house and I'm petrified. I have no idea where I'm going to go. I should be happy to be rid of the burden of the house and all it's expenses, but everything is just moving way too fast and I'm so overwhelmed. I know God is looking out for me and it will all work out, but for now I'm a nervous wreck again. I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow as it seems the meds are not working and I'm out of work all week. I've been reading alot of self help books, and while I'm reading I'm content, but every day it seems something else happens that is too overwhelming to deal with. My head is reeling. Thank God I have the option of putting my stuff in storage and staying with my parents until I find something, but I think I would just like to be settled somewhere and I don't want to make a hasty choice. I've done nothing but burst into tears all day and shovel (it's been snowing for two days). It just reminds me of how alone I really am.