I was told that you could get a quicker divorce with adultry. In fact, I just went through the process of finding the proof of sexual involvement with another, major financial involvement (they co-owned a car together as well as proof he provided support to this person through an account he was hiding), she was deposed with my attorney, his attorney and her attorney, she testified in court they had a sexual relationship over the last year (it was actually more like three years) and the only thing it got me was a quicker divorce - oh, and lots of money spent on legal fees! I feel a better lawyer would have been able to recover some of these expenses since it was marital funds he was using to support this person. My advice would be to make sure you have a thorough and really good attorney if there's money involved and if there's money to proceed in that direction. Otherwise, just get the divorce and don't go after all the proof of adultry because it really doesn't matter unfortunately. I'm extremely disappointed in the outcome for me! Also, I just discovered that (amazingly) my ex is now cheating on his girlfriend. Go figure!!

I had all the proof I needed to prove that Lousy was having an affair. In the end it did not matter. I don't believe it affected my settlement one way or the other. My support payments were calculated based on a worksheet for the county. If you have a remorseful or generous ex, then perhaps you can get more support or get it for longer.
My Lousy is lousy through and through. His support checks are written to the penny. The first few he paid me (after a year of not paying) came from his girlfriend that he had cheated on me with....

I'm actually so disappointed in the courts, lawyers and the legal system in general for taking adultry so lightly. It generally ruins people's lives, families, finances, sometimes jobs, children and it's hurting our society as a whole. There seems to be very little commitment and faithfulness in marriage today and a tolerance for this misbehavior, almost revelry. It's heartbreaking. I guess those of us from the 60s and 70s who preached free love are paying dearly for those words! I believe that viagra, cialis and the internet have aided in destroying the institution of marriage. Of course, if the desire is there, that's the culprit but these "aides" do just that - no deterrent or consequences either! My Lousy Lousy just gloated after court hearing because he "got away with it - lying and cheating!" So what you caught me? You're still just getting half of everything! No matter how badly I treat you, you're still getting only half anyway. Let's start a revolution of our own!! Not sure what or how to do it but there must be a way to get this across to these lovely immature people - somehow. Just a little remorse, kindness, understanding - too much to ask I guess!! A support group would probably be a good start. Anyone know how to get one started? I know I could use a group like that - there's so much anger, confusion, overwhelming process in dealing with the legal system, etc. We could have meetings regularly and vent, give suggestions to those still in the process, learning from us who've been through it, etc. Do you know that for me, it would take my ex merely saying "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you" - just I'm sorry would bring closure that so many of us need. Give a shout if this appeals to you and what we might do to actually get the process going. Waiting to hear from you......... nite!

Thank you ladies. You have confirmed what I thought. The lawyer that told me we could go for adultery wanted to charge a $4500 retainer ,and said I could "possibly" get alimony for life and the other lawyer that I spoke to charged a $2,000 retainer and said it wasn't worth trying to prove adultery, and that I could not get alimony for life. I've been sooo confused. We are not wealthy people and paying lawyers huge sums of money would only deplete the little that we have.

Is anyone getting alimony for life?

I've actually thought about not divorcing but just leaving (I do have somewhere to live virtually rent free) and just being permanently separated so I could still be covered by his insurance. (In the middle of all this I have been diagnosed with a chronic condition that will require huge monthly doctor bills and medication for the rest of my life.) The only problem with this senario is that I would have to move out of town, and would then be away from my children (they're grown), but have grandchildren on the way. It just seems like I'm screwed no matter what.

Yr, I hear you. I too, am so disgusted by the public attitude toward this issue. Everytime I read the newspaper or turn on the tv, there's a new story about umm let's see, my governor, Dave Letterman, Tiger Woods, or some other SOB that has destroyed his family. The media coverage seems to make light of the situation... all the jokes, the idea that this is funny... On Larry King last week, one of the guests actually seemed to use that forum to give tips on how to cheat with out getting caught by saying something like "Didn't Tiger know you NEVER leave a voicemail!" and they all chuckled. Ha ha ha, very funny... not.

In all the coverage I've seen since the Tiger story broke, NOTHING has been said about the devastation this brings onto families. Wouldn't Tiger's story be an excellent opportunity for good people to step forward and speak out about how this is destroying our society?

A local newspaper columist in my town wrote something recently about how all this proves is that "Tiger is human." Really...WHAT THIS PROVES IS THAT TIGER IS INHUMAN!!!! What person that truly loves his spouse would put a loaded gun to his wifes head and play Russian roulette? That's what infidelity and the transmission of STD's is... it's Russian roulette. Luckily the STD that my husband gave me was easily curable, but it was just pure luck that it wasn't a deadly one like AIDS. What sort of f**king moron has sex with strangers and doesn't wear a condom? Why aren't the talking heads discussing this issue?

I am devastated to the point of utter sickness, physical and mental. My children found out, and they are devastated. I feel like the last 30 years of my life have been a lie. I don't know what to believe and what not to. I don't know what is real, or true. Was I ever loved or cherished? Am I to start over now, with essentially nothing, no job skills, no money and being sick on top of it?

Yr, you are right, we need a support group... But, I could never start one... It's all I can do just to get through the day without shaking and vomiting.

Brokenhearted, I know exactly how you feel - it's just not something you can explain to anyone who hasn't been through this devastation! I've lost so much weight because of anxiety and feeling so awful about what he's done to me, my family and my credit! By the way, I have been awarded indefinite alimony (of course, modifiable) because of the following: we've been married 24 years, I haven't worked for 20 years, much disparity in possibility of income, the life-style we've been living, my age (62) and my health issues (heart problems). The major ones are years together, possibility of income for each spouse, age and health. I have had to take classes to update computer skills so I could be marketable and with the unemployment being what it is, as well as the job market, it's impossible to find a job! I want you to know that I've spent over $15,000 in legal fees mostly having to do with proof of adultry and it wasn't worth it in the end. Go for the indefinite alimony and be done with it! Of course, there's half the house, 401K, savings, etc. My heart goes out to you because I know how you're feeling - I'm still there after two years of agonizing. I'll keep you in my prayers for some relief. That's what I pray for every day - relief and closure.

Sorry to go on about this but I wanted you and everyone to know the three things that, in my experience, will help you in this process and the healing of the heart are: 1. A good, supportive attorney (interview many, at least 4 or 5); 2. A good, understanding therapist; and 3. Your friends and family. The attorney and therapist are worth the money you put into them if they're the right ones and your friends and family will sustain you before, during and after this horrible ordeal. My friends and family were and are a blessing to me - more than I can say.......

Yes, what has happened to society? Someone told me there are more divorced families now than not. How will this affect our future? This cannot be good. I would have remained commited to my marriage if given the option. Within a month of my lousy delivering the news of my alternate future without remores and many lies (he is running to someone), I told him my family was having a funeral for the person we thought we knew and loved...He seemed confused by this (because after all he is a good guy and everyone loves him - I direct you to web site "divorcinganarcissist.com). He then said "people get divorced every day". WOW! Are we so de-sensitised to the destructiveness of this all? I ready at this web site about all of the casualties of the selfish behaviors. The legal system protects them as if they are victims. Yes - would love a support group for sharing anger - I have so much of it, and yet denial. When I look at my 2 little ones (3 and 5) I put my brave face on as I head into single parent hood - something I do not embrace without huge amounts of anxiety. All of these selfish people...I blame their parents.

Yvonne, It's funny you bring up the narcissist subject because that's exactly what my ex is - his brother too to even a greater extent. It's really difficult dealing with this kind of person because it's "crazy-making" dealing with them. Their reality isn't normal - they're the most wonderful people in the world and their accomplishments are bigger and better than anyone else's in their eyes. However, I've discovered that everyone knows who they really are. Others can tell that they are full of themselves and liars/boasters. Going through a divorce with a narcissist is exceptionally difficult. I hope you have good friends and family supporting you through this with those precious little ones.

Oh! I sympathize with all of you. Narcissism-now we're talking. This personality disorder is highly manipulative. We don't even know it's the issue, but when we find out and learn about it, we will overcome! There is an end to the madness and a new, fabulous life for us all.

For those of you looking for a support group, Divorce Care is a national program tha tis faith-based. YOu can probably find one at a church in your area. Just go on-line to Divorcecare.com, and you will find the information you need. They also have a daily email they will send you. I has helped me.

I insisted on STD testing right away. Usually, it is suggested that you have one panel of testing and then again in six months to be sure there's nothing showing up. Get the whole panel of STD testing, not just HIV. There are so many other STDs that are curable - you certainly want to know if you have any of them too. I absolutely would get the testing for yourself, immediately!

Reading all the posts is both saddening because there are such selfish people out there that they could so eaily ruin a commitment and also somewhat relieving to know I'm not alone in the pain of a divorce with adultery.

I've been divorced now for over a year and I start to feel horrible all over again when I read about adulterers in the news. I'm angry and disgusted with the women (and men) who KNOWINGLY have sex with a married person, knowing that they are contributing to the destruction of a marriage and many times a commitment made before God.

This does not mean I let the cheaters off the hook. It is one of the most disrespectful things a human can do to someone they supposedly loved and promised to "love and honor until death do us part." Why do they do it? It's a power trip to soothe their egos and it's selfish.

In all honesty, I am happier single than I was married: my marriage became an empty, lonely relationship with an absent husband who couldn't deal with normal responsibilities such as bills and mowing the lawn-so he started going out with the other derelict husbands from work and well, banging the unpretty office secretary (how cliche). I am MUCH better off.

However, I have a hard time dating now, getting cold feet and frightful anytime a seemingly good man comes along because I wonder "and when will you turn out to cheat and to lie too?" Will these fears ever truly subside?

I wasn't married as long as many of you-divorced on my third anniversary (after 4 years of friendship and dating)-but I feel jaded now and that makes me angry.

I don't recommend trying for adultery-in most states, you end up spending more in legal fees than it's worth, but I would sue for damages considering you got an STD and would try for half of all holdings. I'm really sorry any of us have to go through this.

You know reading all these post saddens me worse because It's so common place for these selfcentered, selfish indiviguals to walk away from committments,to you, to your children,and how much it hurts that someone you once loved or still do? that one person you would never had thought would do such a thing, has betrade you,That totally crushes the heart of you,causes doubt, uncertainy,hopelessness,I have been married 29 years, we have been seperated 10 of those years,and I'm not saying that what I'm doing is the right answer,but for us it works,My husband met someone on line and left me for her turns out she was in the philippines,so guess where he is?so I decided the best way to handle my situation was to let him know that the only way he was getting a divorce from me was to come back here and get it, welp he can't really afford to do that and hasn't been able to for this many years,he's in his 60's now she was in her 40's turns out she has cancer and is slowwwwly dieing,long story short,sometimes God has a way of working out the details better than we can,I got the house, half his retirement and insurance,(REtired Military).Sometimes when we look behind us we think we could have stopped what happened,but you know that isn't true,Because we are not responsible for what they do, we are only responsible for what we do.they are truely the LOSERS in the long run.

They are the losers and in my case, he's a very twisted, self-centered, egotistical, entitled in his eyes, selfish, narcissistic jerk! Unfortunately, our son is being influenced by him to some extent (he's 19) and that really bothers me! I'm sooooo angry at my ex - I just hope I can get past this anger one day. I guess I need closure in some small way and I haven't been able to get to that point yet - we just got divorced this month. I keep praying for peace and guidance in this because it's so much more than I originally thought. Betrayal is putting it mildly!! I think we all hurt deeply by what our Lousys have done and we need to keep love in our hearts in order not to get soured and bitter. I hope we all can learn from each others' experiences and gain support and validation through it.

Yr,
Can you go for indefinite alimony without using adultery as the grounds?

Yes, I believe you can. What I've been told is the consideration for alimony is length of marriage, disparity of possible income/employment, age, health and life style you've been living. It also may depend on the state you live in. You should speak to an attorney as soon as possible to find out for sure. You can also look on line. There is a website that gives a break down of how alimony is calculated - google alimony calculator and I believe you'll get several sites to check. However, indefinite alimony is not readily awarded but possible. I hope this helps. Good luck.

So glad i found this site. Right now i am in the process of ending an 18 year marriage. It is truly heartbreaking. He spent the last two years accusing me of cheating- leaving his work to follow me, etc. Very sad that considering i have two jobs and two children to raise i wouldn't have had the energy if i wanted to. the problem is that i was happy in my life. Making him happy made me happy. The last year he carried verbal abuse to an extreme and started with physical abuse. I had set up counseling and we went a few times- he had a major explosion every time we got back from it. The more erratic he got the more i begged him to see and talk with another professional. "I was his problem-he didn't need help" I cry when i think of all he did to me and all my children heard despite best efforts to shield them. he could not control his anger. Long story short i had to make him leave one night and he came back the next day like he did nothing wrong. Told him absolutely not until he got professional help. Guess his new girlfriend is all the help he needs. Get a good lawyer and a good therapist because you will need both. He stiil tries to control and manipulate every chance he gets but it is the delusions that kill me. I have found out that he is Bi-Polar with another disorder and that his hostility toward me would have continually gotten worse. As it was he was beginning to transfer it to our children and THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW!!! So sad. Better yet get the therapist before the lawyer. He wasn't always lousy, but any man who will walk away from 18 years without an apology for what he has done is pretty much a lost cause.

The physical abuse in inexcusable!! No matter anything else, abuse should not be tolerated and, if he tries this again or even threatens, call 911 immediately! You may need to file for a restraining order. You and your kids need help immediately - he definitely needs it too but you're the important ones here. Do not allow this to happen again! There must be a support group in your area for battered women you can go to for advice and help - even if it's anonymous. This is really scary and serious!! Be very careful and take his treats as serious threats. Also, get your locks changed and change any security codes. Keep your closest friends and family aware of every place you go and where the kids are too. I'm scared for you. I'll be praying for your safety.

Sorry to have gotten off track with this first posting. The forum is about proving adultery. He has a girlfriend. She has been seen driving his vehicle to work and he has been seen driving hers. They have been seen shopping together etc. What do i need to do? Where we live it is still adultery until the divorce is final. What proof do the courts want? Hard to take photos where they live of all vehicles there together.

Talk to your attorney - make sure you have a good one who will guide you in this. The thing is proving "opportunity" is good enough, I believe. His car's been seen at her house overnight, they've been seen with public affection (kissing, hugging, holding hands). Remember, most of what adultery will get you is a quicker divorce and blame and it usually costs more in legal and/or PI fees in trying to prove it. Sometimes, it's just not worth pursuing it. If you've got proof, use it!

Most important, get a good lawyer and his/her advice will guide you.

In my case, she gave testimony in court hearing that she had had sexual relations with him during the last year - right there in front of me, the judge and everyone. He was most anxious to get this done before the required year separation. What a lovely show it was too! I'll never get over that!!

Oh I could see them calling her to court. He would die. He thought no one knew what he was up to, still calling me, texting me, following me, etc. He still doesn't think I have a clue. Like I said trying to get vehicle pictures at the house is hard, but I will continue to try. Did your case result in a more favorable settlement for you? I don't know if that is enough to erase the pain you had to go through.

I had video proof of adultery, and other violations of the PSA (property settlement agreement.) My attorney never introduced it in court, and went ahead and charged me $250 for the hour he spent looking at the video (weird b/c the video was only 15 min.)
Apparently Lousy went ahead and cross-filed for divorce after I filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery. I was advised by my attorney that our divorce would be complete after a year separation (which is another grounds for divorce.) I was upset to find that in the final doc., we were divorced on the grounds of one year separtation....nowhere in the final decree does it mention adultery!! I could not believe it! My attorney never let me in on this (but charged me up the waz-oo.)
My alimony goes 1/2 the time of my marriage, since it is considered a short term marriage - 9 years felt pretty long term to me, but that is how the cookie crumbled in my scenario.
Pretty stinkin Lousy if you ask me.

The outcome was not what I expected because there were so many things not considered that I thought should have been. I'm not going to go through the whole mess but I will say that I had debt he refused to help with and he spent hundreds of thousands of $ in support of other women and for his enjoyment which weren't considered in negotiations. I did get a portion of home equity, his 401K and indefinite alimony. The variables that were brought into this were the fact that we were married 24 years, I hadn't worked for 20 years, my age (62 yrs. old) and my health issues, as well as the fact that his potential and actual income is something llke five or more times what I can possibly make at this point. All this is taken into consideration by the courts but I had a lousy attorney as well as a lousy ex and so was left with some loose ends to try and resolve myself. All-in-all, not sure how much the adultry charge contributed in the outcome except for getting divorced before the full year of separation. Not fun anyway you look at it!

Jenny Sanford is a better woman than I - she's forgiven Mark. I'm not sure I can ever forgive my lousy!