So the settlement hearing didn't go as expected; my STBX fought for 2 1/2 hours over a few hundred dollars (but settled for what I wanted in terms of visitation - and all other matters -w/in 20 minutes). Did I mention that he lied to his and my attorneys left and right? (after 10 years of being a stay at home mom, he had the gall to announce that he never wanted me to stay at home - that he wanted me to get a job. It was our deal from the beginning - as HE makes a 6-figure income. At least my lawyer asked, "then why didn't you file for divorce years ago if you didn't agree with the situation?" He had no response!)

How does one make it on a much lower income? I have 2 little kids to raise alone.

I'm just so scared, hurt, and made of what a lousy spouse he's turned to be after 15 years of lies...lies that I swallowed hook, line, and sinker because I wanted to believe in him, hoped he would change if I loved him enough, if I DID enough...

I hate him right now.

Hate is natural and expected for you. I remain angry many months later. Fortunately I am working - albeit sharing an office with my ex-lousy spouse. Financially you need to get your house in order and quickly. Put together a budget - assess your situation. Women typically get screwed because they are not on board with this stuff. If you don't have a basic understanding of what to do - find someone who does - hire a financial advisor to help you put together your demands. Or have you gone past this stage already in court? Anger will help you. TAke pride in who you are and make it all work despite him. That is the best revenge. The worst is for our little ones who don't deserve this. Be brave with them. don't let them see you down even if it is painful for you to hide it. They will do as well as they perceive you to do. Good luck. This is a marathon not a sprint - so pace yourself.

You should have submitted an Income and Expense Statement which should have been considered in the award of alimony, and another one for child support, which is separate. If your agreement is not final, but it sounds like it is, you can amend it. If not, and if you find out you cannot live on what you were awarded, you can go back into court and modify based on your need, since it sounds like you were not voluntarily unemployed, and he has the means. For now, tighten your belt, and write EVERYTHING down...

It only took 4 months for my divorce to be final, fortunately we had no kids but were married for 19 yrs. We had a business together which I kept along with all the bills. I never know when I go to bed what the next day will be - angry, depressed, scared to death ? The bills keep crashing but he and his girl friend ( who is still married ) seem to be having the time of their life while I'm doing without. I'm a wreck and everyone around me sees it. Friends say I should be over it by now and better off with out him. I'm hurt and angry, but nobody understands how scared and lonely you truly are. This is not how things were supposed to happen.

I so understand how you feel - hurt, betrayal by someone you once trusted and loved, scared for your future and happiness - will it ever be there again? Was it ever there before? Is what I thought I experienced real? You question everything about your relationship and whether it was an illusion because you certainly expected better from him. With kids it's even harder because you will always have that connection with the Lousy. Don't let anyone tell you when you need to forget it and get on with your life - you will in your own time. However, don't obsess - that's a killer on your nerves and forward process. People get sick from this kind of stress - keep a good, balanced diet and see your doctor for tests and just to check on where you are physically. Hope you have a therapist to keep your emotional well-being in check too! I've discovered that it's a balancing act with sleep, eating right, exercise of some kind (which I haven't very good about but the weather's been bad). You really have to take care of yourself! It will get better - slowly, but it WILL get better!

I have kids so it is tough. I ruminate about some stuff too. I remain angry and sad. I have incredibly great days where I feel strong and healthy and ready to face anything. THen I can have a day where I am angry and cry all day (at work! because I can't do this with my children). I try to keep my eye on the future. I am putting energy into remodeling my kitchen. My lousy left me 7 months ago. Yes, I am still angry. I have to believe that he never really loved me. that it was all a lie. we were together 14 years the 1st 9 without children. I trusted in him that he was my best friend, husband, business partner, father of my children. Now that trust was breached so severly the lies he told. He doesn't get it - he thinks he is a good guy. I am not lonely for another man. I am just baggage in that arena. I focus on my little boys. I will raise them to be better than their father. I might be single until I die as it is doubtful I will alow anyone in mypersonal space like that again. When someone pisses all over every thing you believe in and value - tough to get over it. So yes, I am still angry, I still share an office suite with him and I hate him. He smiles every day like a mad man on anti-depressants. What a shallow life he has.

The settlement hearing was for temporary relief (spousal support). The child support is set in stone, but will not be enough. I know that I sound greedy, but I am really pissed that I have to "make do" while he enjoys the life that WE created (the job that I supported him in) !!!

I am keeping my expenses what they always have been (and borrowing from my savings) to "prove" that I need a higher amount of support. I don't know what else to do except for hope that the judge sees things my way (and, of course, scrimp like hell once it's all final and I get as much as I hope for). ugh, I hate this man for screwing me over...

But, on the bright side, we are a lot happier now...even the kids (who don't really miss him)

The breach of trust hurts so much. The marriage vows are the most sacred vows to take. My divorce was final in Nov and I had a wedding of a special friend to attend Jan 2. My anniv was Dec 31 and I explained I could not attend. I wish they could live happily ever after but what are the chances?? I still don't understand how this has happened. All I know is my lover, best friend, protector, and business partner has vanished. I'm still hurting and don't see an end to it. The hurt never stops.

Cojo, I totally relate to EVERYTHING you wrote. We have a lot in common. I too am now a skeptic in regards to weddings. I have two to attend this year and I am trying very hard as they are for a brother and another for a best friend. Really now when i see wedding stuff I just roll my eyeballs back and look for strength to just remain slient on the subject as I have nothing to say for an institution that I believed in and would have remained in had it been my choice. In the process of reinvention we will have to adapt a whole new perspective - one that I did not plan on having in my lifetime. So many years of beautiful memories now tarnished. What to do with the Box of Lies and Broken Promises?

NO KIDDING! The pain of betrayal and rejection is THE WORST. I don't know that anyone ever really "gets over it" but I'm living proof that it does get easier. I still have some really low days, but it still hurts like mad when I start thinking "how could he do this to me?" "how could he be with another woman after everything we built together." But, I have to stop myself and think about the fact that I don't have to put up with his drinking, his negative attitude, his total disregard for our daughter, and alot of other things. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't, but I just have to keep going. Even though I know it's too early, alot of days I long to meet someone. Someone who will love me for me no matter what. But, when that day comes, I know I'm going to be very, very careful and picky.

I am so done with men. I am never sharing my closet or bedroom with another person. period. They take, take take and then when they have taken it all they walk away. My mom was widowed at age 50. She has been doing quite fine on her own and is now 75. She faced her future and created it anew. Why can I do the same? I am 45 - close enough to just be done with it all. I have lots of plans for things for MEMEMEMEME and my children. People say I will change my mind. I can't say that will never happen but I know that I won't need to in order to live a happy and fullfilling life. I do not yearn for a man. no - that is just the same to me as yearning for more pain. no thank you.

Hellllooooo???
Have you all not learned anything from this website???It IS NOT YOUR FAULT that the lousy's are lousy. You just had some bad luck, and have a lot of shit to deal with now. Keep calm and carry on. You think you have it bad? You don't live in Haiti, or Iraq. You are capable, confident folks who got messed up with some total morons. Let it go. LET IT GO. Don't be scared. You can do it. Move on. Move Past the victim-ness. We are all "victims" 'of lousy shit heads. But don't let that pathetic victim-ness define you. Let your success, and your indifference to lousy be your legacy. You can bitch all you want here, but don't let lousy hear you whining.
Head up - you have NOTHING to be scared of. If you have questions - ask them here. There are so many smart people here that can help.

Leslie, I'm trying to be brave, but I've never had to do this "adult" stuff ever in my 40 years. It is very daunting to some of us. I appreciate your positive attitude and bravery; I hope that it's contagious!