I was doing great and then of course I learned of the final divorce date just shy of valentines day and somehow I was thrown for a loop. I began sending notes to the lousy - like a letter to the future he wrote stored in our wedding time capsul. An email with poetry from our wedding with a note to remind him of the lies he told. I got a little bolder with each false step. I had stopped all such communication before as I learned it was just a big boomerang back to me. Of course it did.

I asked him to take responsibility for the demise of our marriage – for his lies, for his pretending and dishonorable ways. His reply to me was that he did not want to go over the laundry list of his issues with me from throughout our marriage over the phone – that it would be hurtful to me”. Really? Guess he missed the question. I expect him to come to the realization that this is all about HIM and has nothing to do with me. He lost his mind. He holds the smoking gun and wants to believe that I killed and dismembered them (them = marriage, etc.). He also is using me as the scape goat for not seeing his children. This way he doesn’t have to feel any guilt over what he has done. Wow – what a strategy. He should bottle it because then he could help others do bad things and be free of the guilty conscience that would result in a normal and sane person.

And so we go. he let me know that pointing out his issues is "inappropriate" (since he is the authority on this ). I told him then he is dead now to me. So I vow not to speak to him - probably for ever. Thankful for email to deal with office issues and young children. It is inevitable now as I see it - and the patterned history so clear - that I am to be the scape goat for him for life - to blame all his stuff on me forever - the continual dumping of his hazardous crap so that he doesn't have to feel guilty. he will remain forever the victim .

This is so twisted.

So - a vow of silence. That is all I have in my arsenal now. May I hold to it.

The year preceeding my divorce, I could not shut up. I blabbed right and left to anyone that would listen - dryclearner, friends, grocery check out people. I don't know why, but it felt good just to talk. All this on top of my therapist (God bless him!!)
But then, after my divorce was complete, it was time to begin the reconstruction, and I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. I would have to tell people that would bring it up, "Sorry, just tryin' to enjoy my time right now...can we not talk about Lousy?" It comes up all the time, but I am tired of it, and him, and his creepy ways.
In all my talking, I think the real question was "how could this have happened to me? How could I have not known what the slime ball was up to?" My hard one conclusion is simply that "love is indeed blind."
Silence is golden, and much more peaceful than being a blabber mouth like me!

when my lousy left me, i couldn't really speak about it, i told my mother he was moving out and said i didn't want to talk about it. i didn't even tell my sisters face to face, i couldn't. i don't know why. i'm a private person anyway but i feel i've "numbed" my way through the past few months, maybe it was self preservation, survival? sometime after he left i did speak to 2 of my close friends about it but really we were going around in circles, but you know it was helpful to talk. now, i am ready to talk but i think my family feel, yes she's doing great, she's moved on, she's strong, but my heart is breaking. i think i'm only dealing with all my emotions now, i feel like crying all the time. maybe silence wasn't the best thing for me? or maybe i would be feeling like this anyway, lots of people say it's a roller coaster of emotions, i just hope i feel better soon. numb and anger are much easier to deal with.

When I speak of silence it is only silence toward my lousy. I have been a big blabber about my situation from the beginning. It has helped to wear it on my sleave and take it everywhere. Like "D." I share my sad story with everyone...then I realize what I am doing and oh well. I inject my humor where I can. My family has been very supportive.

So to "i can't believe this is my life...". It sounds like you have been in denial. If you don't tell anyone then maybe it won't be true. Me, I knew it was happening - I told everyone so they would force me to face it head on and with them by my side. It was awefull but I knew I needed to take action due to my circumstances and I could not do it alone. Now that you are talking to people you need to be honest and allow yourself to feel the emotions that are coming or they will haunt you for life. That is what I am told anyway.

Good luck. Slience to the lousy. Shout it out to the rest of the world. Cry it out on anyone's shoulder who will listen. This is how we "take out the garbage" so we are not plagued by its stench for ever...and oh the mold that might grow. Don't let it happen!

I am seven months separated and really making a huge effort to stop talking about it all the time. I started small, with my co-workers at lunch and now I am trying to not talk about it with my friends 24\7. I am extremely hurt and devastated by his "Tiger Woods "ways. My teenage children let me know when I focus too much on what happened . I appreciate their candor and honesty. Clearly, that is not a trait they learned from their father.

In retrospect, I admit I was more "loose-lipped" than I needed to be. People would notice my weight loss and I saw it an an opening to "why" and not just a "thanks" and let it go.

Now, I try to contain my venting to a few friends , my sisters and my therapist. The rage and disappointment are still there, I just try to remember I am not the first to go through this. It is an uphill battle, for sure!

Be sure that not all lousy spouses are men! I for one was married to a total narcissist for 10 years. I cooked,cleaned, took care of kids, supported her advanced education, 3 jobs, nights out with friends,etc. She is a woman crippled by the ghost of her family of origin who balmes everyone for her problems. She's already divorced once, daddy left when she was 3, step daddy was abusive, fiance cheated, first husband cheated, all male relationships failed. I thought if I loved her enough she would get the help she needed. She punished me by withholding everything like she had been treated as a child. Her twin sister's husband is leaving her too and she still does not get it! I bought into the Good Housekeeping crap that the way to the bedroom is through the kitchen and housework..................sorry that did not work. She took sex away 2 years ago. And to top it off she cheated on me!

@ Mike - our spouses are clones. Good luck to you.