Your Finances

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know                                        where to go shopping.”            —Bo Derek

This article in the NY Times provides a really good checklist for a financial tuneup. Some of those recommendations overlap with ours below and will make use of our worksheets.

Many spouses of Lousy Spouses trusted their mate and may not have a full picture of the financial scene. Time to take the blinders off and take a look around. DON'T LET IT SCARE YOU...

Start filling out the our financial worksheet (requires Excel or Numbers). It will take some time to research all the numbers. You will need to know detailed information about expenses relating to: household, utilities, food, automobile, children, clothes and health care. The attached worksheet will help you fill in the details.

If you haven't secured a lawyer yet, this page will link you to one of our advertisers. Just filling out their questionnaire will bring up things that you hadn't figured out already... like how are you going to pay the divorce lawyer??

If you are suddenly single, especially a single parent, you must take control and responsibility for all the household and personal expenses. Reset expectations, and be prepared to cut back on 'extras' that you may have enjoyed during your partnership. Your current expenses may include a housekeeper twice a week or more, a part time nanny, fresh flowers in the foyer, weekly pet grooming, regular massages and most meals out or delivered. Unless you are the sole bread-winner with bread to spare, or you have a trust fund to tap, things will have to change.

As you evaluate your finances, be honest with yourself and your family. Many marriages hit the rocks over finances, and mismanagement and irresponsible spending after marriage is unforgivably lousy. If finances is your biggest hurdle in getting control of your life, then hit this issue with a full contact tackle and wrestle it to the ground. We don't profess to be financial experts, but we new-singles know where every dime comes from and where it goes. Find an expert - either a reputable professional consultant, or a free service that may be available through your local municipality.

Our worksheet includes two sets of columns, one for you, and one for Lousy. It will be important at some point to compare the two, so take a look and make your best guesses.

See our What Do I Do First? page for more practical advice.

The Cost of a Divorce

This is a variable that is never the same unless you are going through an amicable, mutually agreed upon divorce. If you're dealing with a lousy, then you probably won't be so lucky. As for our experiences - Jane's divorce was under $8,000, whereas Ellen's was multiples of that. We've heard of divorces costing over 10 times that amount.

Some of the costs can be avoided. Jane's divorce was stretched out for 5 months by Lousy who always showed up at scheduled meetings with NONE of the paperwork he was supposed to bring. There were no assets to fight over, the custody was wrapped up by the second month... it was just Lousy dragging his feet. It could've been that he knew he'd be getting married almost as soon as he was divorced.

The keys to keeping the costs down is preparation and communication. If your lawyer tells you to do something... do it. The more they have to do for you, the more you're going to pay them. Don't count on Lousy getting stuck with the bill either. We aren't discouraging you from trying, but just don't count on it. The other thing to keep in mind is that Lousy may use your lack of funds to push you around. Don't cave on the first negotiation just because you don't want to pay for a second mediation. This is a sneaky evil approach - pressuring us when we're at our most vulnerable. Your lawyer's job is to protect you, and you need to fire them if you don't feel protected. Be proactive in the process and stay in control. Ask your lawyer for an invoice or an accounting every month if it's getting prolonged, more often if it's very intense.

Facing the Taxman

Being newly single is going to make some changes to your tax status and filing. If your spouse, like some of ours, is so lousy that you are going to be in hot water... don't run away and hide. This kind of stuff happens, and there's nothing that the IRS has not heard before. You are equally liable for your spouse's taxes in many cases, but the IRS is not blind to special circumstances. They have a category for us unfortunates called "Innocent Spouses".

This is a quote directly from the IRS's website:

All the facts and circumstances are considered in determining whether it's inequitable to hold you liable. Some of the factors considered include:

• The taxes owed are your spouse's or ex-spouse's.
• You are no longer married to that spouse.
• You thought your spouse would pay the taxes on the original return.
• You didn't know about the items changed in the audit.
• You would suffer a financial hardship if you were required to pay the tax. You would not be able to pay for basic living expenses like food, shelter, and clothing.
• You did not significantly benefit (above normal support) from the unpaid taxes.
• You suffered abuse during your marriage.

Work with your accountant to separate your stuff from theirs as best you can, and work with the IRS if Lousy is not working with you. Jane has had to contact the IRS to get transcripts from them because her Lousy took all of the records - his and hers, and she has no idea if and what is still owed. If you request full copies, you may have to pay for them, but the transcripts which are a summary of the returns filed appear to be free.(.. I'll update if I get a bill!)

Your Credit

This is a scary subject in the divorce game. Almost nobody can go through a divorce unscathed credit-wise. Although it is often this subject that can accelerate a relationship into divorce, you can count on it being worse later.

If your Lousy was a big spender and has dug a wide deep hole financially, you're going to fall in to some extent. Your final agreement will identify who takes care of which bills, so make sure you are able to identify all debts. Even though Lousy may become responsible for some debts, they will not be able to remove your name from those accounts unless they have enough credit to transfer account balances with your name to their name alone. That's tricky.

Check your credit as soon as you can face it and do what you can to patch and repair what needs attention. Our definition of a LousySpouse includes a lack of responsibility - so this is another responsibility you will have to take on for yourself.

Word of warning: when your spouse comes to you with a credit card offer in your name and asks you to sign the application so they can "tranfer balances to get a lower interest rate", don't trust them to fully take care of it. A spouse who is juggling balances from account to account is probably juggling more than they will tell you about. When all the credit cards have you listed as the primary account holder, realize that there may be cards you don't know about. Yep, that's the voice of experience.

Please Note: The information provided herein is a guide only. Our readers and members should seek professional help from counselors, financial experts and attorneys as needed.