Family

“If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much.”          —Jacqueline Kennedy

Divorce is hard enough, but when there are kids involved, then this is one of the most heartbreaking aspects of breaking up. It makes the LousySpouse even lousier for shattering the family unit.

For the Kid's Sake

Recently we've been asked the question - should I stick it out for the sake of the kids? We can't tell you right from wrong... everything depends on your situation, and your kids.

95% of every single child of divorce will say that they wish that their parents would get back together. That's not a scientific calculation, that's my personal polling result. My brother and sister admit that even though we were in our 20's when our parents divorced, they were hurt by it. I on the other hand, as the oldest, gave them my blessing and wished them greater happiness. I don't think that was generosity or greater maturity, I'm pretty sure it was a period of selfishness that said "just don't make it my problem". Some friends have told me that it was a great relief to them because their parents were not always fighting.

So, you have to ask yourself how will a divorce change your life? and how will it change the life of your child? If you will become a happier person in the long run, then the answer for the second question should be positive as well. If your home life is great, and the children are happy and are not affected by Lousy's behavior, then maybe a divorce is not the answer... It's not a step to be taken lightly and it will have a profound influence on your child's wellbeing. If Lousy is willing to make a change, make amends, and to work on it, consider carefully if this is really the right time, if you can work with Lousy to heal hurts, accept apologies and move on.

If you are both willing and able to work together to repair a lousy marriage, then start there with counting your blessings, then count the kids.

Caring for Your Kids

First and foremost are the children. LousySpouses generally force someone else into becoming a single parent. LousySpouses are often lousy parents as well, but a lousy spouse that makes an effort to be a good parent is indispensible to your child. Soon enough, you will begin to appreciate Lousy as a free babysitter, but not right away. You must try to protect your children and help them cope with the turbulence that will disrupt your family. You must make them feel loved, cherished, adored and in no way responsible for what has happened.

Please seek the advice of your child’s pediatrician, a therapist, and the child’s teachers or guidance counselor. It is important for all of them to know about the changes in your home. They can help you to handle and monitor your child’s beahvior and emotions. Assisting your children is no easy feat, when you are coping with your own emotions, which are undoubtedly very raw.

Commit yourself to your children and to being more of the exceptional parent that you already are. Focus on nutritious food - make sure there are healthy snacks in the house and purge the junk. Maintain their routine and structure. Limit TV time, encourage reading and snuggle with them if they're young enought to let you. Comfort and love them as much as you can. It will make you feel better, and help you to forget your own stresses.

Find proper and loving childcare to provide back up. Use family and friends to help. If your emotions are preventing you from being a good parent, then ask your babysitter, friends and family to help. You will soon be back to your normal self. As they tell you on the airplane, place the oxygen mask on yourself before you assist the child, it is the only system that works. If you need help finding a babysitter or nanny, try: www.sittercity.com

Parents.com has this helpful page for single parents. Also check out www.completemom.com.

It is important to keep life normal for your kids during the turbulent time preceding a divorce, but make no mistake...just because the paperwork is signed, means the roller coaster is just beginning for your children. Now, I am writing from the perspective of the parent of very young children, and I promise to post more as I learn about the older ones. For us, my oldest was too young to express himself when lousy decided that family life cramped his cad's lifestyle and decided to walk out. But now, my eldest has an amazing, and expressive vocabulary (if I do say so myself!) and is much more aware of the weirdness of it all.

The children are so sensitive to even the most subtle power struggles or distaste for lousy. So the strategy with these little guys is "play therapy." It is a type of therapy where a counselor can help the child work through their feelings (anger, sadness, guilt) in a non-threatening and familiar environment. The tricky part is getting lousy to get on board. If you are lucky, then lousy will want want is best for the kids. But if your ex is super lousy, like mine, you are going to have to juggle and cajole. Hopefully your lousy is smarter than mine!

BUT...I am finding these doctors don't usually take insurance and the ones I have contacted charge between $150 and $200 an hour! That is an insane price in my opinion, and ridiculous that these guys can't be troubled to accept insurance. I am hoping to find one through the insurance plan though. I'll report back....

In-law Family Dynamics

In-laws create a whole new dynamic. Many LousySpouses come from Lousy parents (remember, “the apple does not fall far from the tree”). Some do not and are solely responsible for their own lousy-ness. There are no perfect answers. Some in-laws are helpful and try to make up for their Lousy kid; others are in denial about their Lousy offspring.

In any event, it is hard to sever ties with these folks who have been a part of your family. Remember “Blood runs thicker than water” and Lousy's parents are your children's grandparents for better or for worse. If your children are close to the in-laws do not disrupt routines or relationships, that will only work against you and make a bad situation worse. If they have been free baby sitters in the past, be careful to not take advantage of their generosity. Your schedule will be changing as a single parent, so keep communications open and do not try to isolate your family from your ex... that will probably end up biting you in the butt later.

A general rule of thumb here is, “If they are not a part of the solution, then they are a part of the problem.” If this is the case, steer clear for now, and let the dust settle for as long as it takes.

Co-parenting

You and your spouse are still in a cooperative partnership until all of your children turn 18. You must be open to co-parenting and do everything you an to make this a positive partnership. Treat each other as business associates. You would not belittle a coworker or a client for neveer taking out the trash, so don't do it to your partner when you are working with this partner. Keep it brief, to the point, and then retreat. If things get heated, then excuse yourself and make an appointment later to pick up where you left off. The exchange of information between parents is critical and you must agree on certain things to keep a child steady.

See the page on Surviving Co-parenting - it's a journey, not a destination.

Please Note: The information provided herein is a guide only. Our readers and members should seek professional help from counselors, financial experts and attorneys as needed. Stories contained herein have been altered to secure the privacy of others.