Family

“If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much.”          —Jacqueline Kennedy

Divorce is hard enough, but when there are kids involved, then this is one of the most heartbreaking aspects of breaking up. It makes the LousySpouse even lousier for shattering the family unit.

Caring for Your Kids

First and foremost are the children. LousySpouses generally force someone else into becoming a single parent. LousySpouses are often lousy parents as well, but a lousy spouse that makes an effort to be a good parent is indispensible to your child. Soon enough, you will begin to appreciate Lousy as a free babysitter, but not right away. You must try to protect your children and help them cope with the turbulence that will disrupt your family. You must make them feel loved, cherished, adored and in no way responsible for what has happened.

Please seek the advice of your child’s pediatrician, a therapist, and the child’s teachers or guidance counselor. It is important for all of them to know about the changes in your home. They can help you to handle and monitor your child’s beahvior and emotions. Assisting your children is no easy feat, when you are coping with your own emotions, which are undoubtedly very raw.

Commit yourself to your children and to being more of the exceptional parent that you already are. Focus on nutritious food - make sure there are healthy snacks in the house and purge the junk. Maintain their routine and structure. Limit TV time, encourage reading and snuggle with them if they're young enought to let you. Comfort and love them as much as you can. It will make you feel better, and help you to forget your own stresses.

Find proper and loving childcare to provide back up. Use family and friends to help. If your emotions are preventing you from being a good parent, then ask your babysitter, friends and family to help. You will soon be back to your normal self. As they tell you on the airplane, place the oxygen mask on yourself before you assist the child, it is the only system that works. If you need help finding a babysitter or nanny, try: www.sittercity.com

Parents.com has this helpful page for single parents. Also check out www.completemom.com.

It is important to keep life normal for your kids during the turbulent time preceding a divorce, but make no mistake...just because the paperwork is signed, means the roller coaster is just beginning for your children. Now, I am writing from the perspective of the parent of very young children, and I promise to post more as I learn about the older ones. For us, my oldest was too young to express himself when lousy decided that family life cramped his cad's lifestyle and decided to walk out. But now, my eldest has an amazing, and expressive vocabulary (if I do say so myself!) and is much more aware of the weirdness of it all.

The children are so sensitive to even the most subtle power struggles or distaste for lousy. So the strategy with these little guys is "play therapy." It is a type of therapy where a counselor can help the child work through their feelings (anger, sadness, guilt) in a non-threatening and familiar environment. The tricky part is getting lousy to get on board. If you are lucky, then lousy will want want is best for the kids. But if your ex is super lousy, like mine, you are going to have to juggle and cajole. Hopefully your lousy is smarter than mine!

BUT...I am finding these doctors don't usually take insurance and the ones I have contacted charge between $150 and $200 an hour! That is an insane price in my opinion, and ridiculous that these guys can't be troubled to accept insurance. I am hoping to find one through the insurance plan though. I'll report back....

In-law Family Dynamics

In-laws create a whole new dynamic. Many LousySpouses come from Lousy parents (remember, “the apple does not fall far from the tree”). Some do not and are solely responsible for their own lousy-ness. There are no perfect answers. Some in-laws are helpful and try to make up for their Lousy kid; others are in denial about their Lousy offspring.

In any event, it is hard to sever ties with these folks who have been a part of your family. Remember “Blood runs thicker than water” and Lousy's parents are your children's grandparents for better or for worse. If your children are close to the in-laws do not disrupt routines or relationships, that will only work against you and make a bad situation worse. If they have been free baby sitters in the past, be careful to not take advantage of their generosity. Your schedule will be changing as a single parent, so keep communications open and do not try to isolate your family from your ex... that will probably end up biting you in the butt later.

A general rule of thumb here is, “If they are not a part of the solution, then they are a part of the problem.” If this is the case, steer clear for now, and let the dust settle for as long as it takes.

Co-parenting

You and your spouse are still in a cooperative partnership until all of your children turn 18. You must be open to co-parenting and do everything you an to make this a positive partnership. Treat each other as business associates. You would not belittle a coworker or a client for neveer taking out the trash, so don't do it to your partner when you are working with this partner. Keep it brief, to the point, and then retreat. If things get heated, then excuse yourself and make an appointment later to pick up where you left off. The exchange of information between parents is critical and you must agree on certain things to keep a child steady.

Also, achieving a peaceful rhythm for visitation with the children is imperative. So much hurt and damage has already been caused. Try to start fresh and strive for a "good" divorce (don't laugh, one of our therapists actually told us this!)

• Show up on time, if not early, always.
• Keep other parent apprised of activities, and who the children have been exposed to.
• Don't ask children to hold secrets from the other parent.
• Synchronize your parenting strategies (read the same books for example - by the way, we love 123, Magic by Thomas W. Phelan), agree and coordinate house rules such as chores, bedtime, TV Time, etc.
• Abide by the court orders that are in place.
• When your parenting agreement needs to change to meet the best interest of your child, then be sensible and flexible. Don't make your ego or feelings more important than those of your child. The younger a child is, the more that child will need mommy-time. If mommy is lousy, then work with her to meet the child's needs and respect her selfish or careless lifestyle as long as it doesn't harm your child. A lousy parent is still necessary, and you may have to work a little harder at meeting several sets of special needs.
• Keep food nutritious and healthy (if you are the non-custodial parent, don't feed your kids on pizza and ice cream thinking that it's fun or that you'll gain favored status).
• Make sure the children get to all the birthday parties, sports, and other activities that they can. Don't make them miss those things because it is inconvenient for you.
• Offer to share costs of child's activities. 
• Be generous for your child's sake.
• An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So, try to take the high road at all times. Treat your LousySpouse like your best and most difficult client.

WORDS OF WARNING: Beware of the "Weekend" Dad or Mom. These clowns are all fun and games. Late bedtimes, tv, movies, junk food, no naps, no baths, buying stuff, cool new toys. There is no way to compete with this, or be reasonable. Just picture your lousy with a jester hat and those pointy clown shoes, because that is all they are. Bundle your kids up, tie their shoes, hug and kiss them BEFORE you even open the door to the Weekend Jester. The transition in this manner will make it easier for your kids to switch gears, and for you to hide your disgust.

Real dads and moms go to the doctor, buy new shoes, show up for teacher conferences, research activities and schools for the kids. The weekend jesters are simply clowns. Use them as free baby sitting if it suits you, and expect no more. It will make your life easier when you can at least identify these goof-balls.

Please Note: The information provided herein is a guide only. Our readers and members should seek professional help from counselors, financial experts and attorneys as needed. Stories contained herein have been altered to secure the privacy of others.