Shifty Lousys

So, yesterday I was sitting in a Starbuck's when a couple came in and sat down behind me. I was minding my own business, but I couldn't help overhearing. The man, wearing a crisp blue button down and tie with slacks, looking very corporate, was talking as he collected their overly-done coffee drinks. He was saying "I hate telling this story" in a voice loud enough that all in the room could hear the story.

His date was clearly younger, not more than 10 years, and jusdging by her outfit, of lower corporate station. She was cute, with a mature but naive look to her. Yes, I'm being very superficial, but that's all I have to go on, and I'm setting the stage.

So, he starts telling this story. I couldn't hear every word as I was actually working on my computer developing a landscape base plan. The gist of the story is that he had married a foreign woman who was a single mother. She was being harassed by the child's father, she's gone back to her homeland to either care for her special needs child, or to fight for custody, or both... long story short: HE'S MARRIED.

Clearly this little coffee get-together was something of a first date. Did I mention that he's already married? What I heard was that he just wanted her to be clear about his situation, "in case this becomes more of a relationship" (ie: he's expecting to get laid), so that she wouldn't be blindsided in the future if his wife showed up someday, (she can't get indignant about his marital status because he's being honest about his status).

He went on to say that he could get the marriage annulled (he hasn't), but it was a complicated situation, and he was hoping that this young lady would be able to look past his past. She was clearly taken aback by his story. She was having a hard time processing it all while maintaining a pretty smile, trying to appear supportive and accepting of his pitiful plight. After the whole story was complete, he was impatiently awaiting a sign-off that would give him the green light to continue his courtship ritual that would ultimately fulfill his desire to bed her. He was literally twisting in his seat waiting for her to say something like "oh, you poor thing" or just an accepting"okay".

I'm sure I sound like a prude, but yuck. What a sleazebag!

Despite my reputation for being an in-your-face confrontational feminist, I did not drop a LousySpouse business card on the table in between them as I left. I did, however, tuck one into the ladies' room mirror, and left one with a hand-written note saying "Run Away,Girl!" on the sink. Whether she visited the ladies room before she left is a mystery to me, but her situation was certainly interesting to me.

Do people always try this shit? A separation is not a divorce. Once you get involved with a separated person you are an accessory to adultery. Yes, a marriage may be over, and yes it may be messy. Stepping into that mess leaves shit all over you. It happens every day, and I should not be surprised, but I am disappointed.

What Do I Say?

Every couple of months another marriage in my expanded circle bites the dust. Every circumstance is different, the emotional hot buttons, the level of anxiety, the level of despair. As a contributor to a "divorce website" I have become the go-to girl for advice. I like having purpose, but it's a tricky position to be in.

Most of the time it's just a cryptic email or text saying... "we're getting a divorce, what should I do?". I've learned to listen when I can, but if nothing is being said then I just start spouting sound bytes from this website. I tend to wax overly-dramatic about protection from Lousy, whether I know who's really been lousy or not. I'm prone to diarhea of the mouth on occassion and these are not the conversations to overdo... I have trouble self-editing. That's why I like the written word... I can edit as I go, and always return to delete the unccessaries later. I find a lot of unnecessaries in these writings.

My first advice is always to go through the website and see what applies. I think Ellen and I wrote down just about everything we know, so it's got to be in here somewhere... but every circumstance is different. What we are learning now gives us 20/20 hindsight, and there's more to know in the post-divorce/ co-parenting realm that we will be able to predict. It keeps coming.

What I wish for all my friends is that if they're going to divorce, that lousy-ness does not apply. Those who can divorce on a reasonable and pseudo-amicable level are blessed whether they know it or not. Those of us who have a Lousy not only have the wrenching reality of a broken marriage, but also the devastation of betrayal or abuse. In either case, it's never a quick and easy business transaction.

So my first advice when I really get to talk to someone about their impending divorce has to start with "are you really sure about a divorce?". There are alternatives, and everyone should consider those before they nail that coffin shut.

Funds for Financing a Divorce

A long-time reader and supporter of lousyspouse.com recently told me about something I didn't know was out there. Our reader, who is a family lawyer in northern Virginia, sent me a recommendation for two new funds that act like loans and take a cut at the end - Balance Point Divorce Funding and Churchill Divorce Finance.

She says, "they basically make the loans to cover the costs and then take a percentage of the settlement as payment. It is for those who can't afford and to even out the equities in the fight."

Brilliant! I thought of that too, but nerve got around to it. What a great tip for those worried about expenses. Your lawyer has some involvement in the application process, so be prepared! This kind of helpful tip is what gets me excited about lousyspouse.com. Has anyone had experience with this kind of service? Let us know about it in the Forum.

Lousy Cyber Bullies

Cyber Bullying, harassment and stalking is on the rise. This new-ish phenomenon is explained as: "Cyber stalkers are often driven by revenge, hate, anger, jealousy, obsession and mental illness. While a cyber harasser may be motivated by some of these same feelings, often the harassment is driven by the desire to frighten or embarrass the harassment victim."

Often, the continued brow-beating, harassment and threats are ongoing and unavoidable causing a reign of terror on the lousy spouse survivor. Threats of taking custody, returning to court, and false accusations litter cyberspace by the bullies. The attorneys say that this is not in itself illegal, just obnoxious. Therapists recommend to 'compartmentalize' and focus on living a good life, and know that you have done the best that you can.

I say that cyber bullying is simply lousy behavior and is one of the newer tools that lousy spouses use to cause as much damage as possible. A narcissistic lousy can't stand it when you move on and simply look at them as a monthly check. They have a need to be the center of your world, and they will do whatever it takes to get your attention, try to scare you and retain their control over you. 

Eat, Pray...Lousy

Really? First the whole world gets all wrapped up in Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman back in the day, as a modern day fairy tale.....as a prostitute with a happy ending...huh??And now, she is playing another morally devoid character who breaks her husband's heart and takes off to "find herself." Of course the ending is "happy" as she commits to another man, and we are supposed to accept that as the fairy tale ending.

Helllooooo??? What about the broken hearted husband back in New York? And the trail of destruction she left in her wake....sounds pretty lousy to us.