A Path Less-Lousy...

It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy.       - James Thurber

Okay, we realize that no couple gets married thinking "I wonder if we'll have a good divorce?" Here at LousySpouse we're not selling divorce, but we'd like to think that our experience has taught us some valuable lessons. We want to offer more than just cautionary tales, we want to give some solid solutions. 

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Heed this timeless advice when considering marrying someone. Pay close attention to every little detail and aspect that you are uncertain of.....how did you meet? how was your courtship? how were disagreements handled? what is his or her spiritual or moral core? how is his or her family? how do they treat you? It is easy to overlook things that make your stomach churn when you are in the throws of a new love, but try to keep your feet on the ground and take a good look around. Being married to someone is a whole different ball game, and those red flags could someday hit you over the head if you do not acknowledge them early on. And most likely, life will be a lot more complicated at that point. Remember, even if you have to break an engagement, it is easier earlier on...no matter how difficult it may seem. 

If you are married, engaged or still on the market, there are things to think about before you march down an aisle, or jump out of a plane. Whatever your style is, there are things you should know that could make your marriage work better. If you are someday going to get divorced - I know, we don't want to think about it, there are ways to make it easier for you.

How NOT To Break Up

1: Do NOT walk out on your family at any time for any reason. There are a lot of reasons here, but the most important thing is that it is hurtful and disgraceful behavior that sets the tone for the impending divorce.

2: Do not engage in an affair, try to hide it, and then wait for your spouse to catch you in the act, or find out in another way before you deal with it. Sneaking around is cowardly and dishonorable, as you know, but again hurtful to your whole family whether or not you have kids. An adulterous affair in itself is disgusting and shameful... either come clean or never ever do it again and recommit yourself to your spouse. When your spouse can take it, you be  the one to tell them. Be honest and up front about your intentions. At that point you are rolling the dice, but being a liar and coward on top of an adulterer is stacking the deck in their favor.

3: Do not run away and then call your spouse to announce that you are not returning... this is only advisable when there is physical abuse that would make it dangerous for you to be near that person. In cases of abuse, make sure you have a full exit strategy in hand if you can plan... remember the Julia Roberts movie - Sleeping with the Enemy? That was a plan.

4: Do not blindside your spouse by sending the process server to their place of business and change the locks while they are at work... That's not only asking for a fight, but it can also get you into trouble when you get to divorce court. Never throw out your spouse, no matter the level of lousy-ness unless there is a reasonable doubt of your safety in which case you should call the police and request a restraining order immediately.

If you cannot honor your marriage vows, or you are unhappy for a number of reasons, then a divorce can be a civilized and cooperative procedure if that is your only option. The best advice we have is not to make any vows that you cannot honor.

The Prenup

Not everyone thinks that this is necessary - it's only for the rich who have their family estates to protect. You do not have to hire lawyers and angst over a prenuptial agreement. Simply identifying those things that are important to you, and that they always stay with you in the beginning can save a lot of heartache in the end. Being able to speak frankly about the practicalities of a possible end, that will never happen, is a sign of security and maturity. And seriously, the more you have, the more you have to protect.

Basic things like your great-grandmother's engagement ring that you put on her finger - prenup it. The antique clock that came from your ancestor's inn in the old country - prenup it. Anything that is worth insuring... prenup.

This is a very delicate subject, and not everyone is comfortable talking about these things... it can be as simple or as complicated as you need, but don't skip it just because you're too embarrassed. Seriously, if you can't talk about who's is what, then why are you making such a serious commitment?!!

The Postnup

So maybe you were impetuous and never got around to a prenup agreement. Maybe when you got married straight out of high school there was nothing to protect. Once you are in the relationship, hopefully you will amass things of value or maybe some family heirlooms will become yours. Actually, the time of that inheritance is an excellent time to bring up the postnuptial agreement...

You can write a postnuptial agreement at any time in your relationship, even after you've split up. A list of all the stuff in the house, the stocks, bonds, cars, and other property should be in your safe deposit box anyway - for insurance purposes! If you don't have a list, then make it - room to room, and so on. Your personal clothing is a given, but list it as a single item anyway. For insurance purposes you should know the approximate replacement value, so you can add that to your list as well if  that helps to keep it equitable. Create two columns - a yours and mine, copy it, each of you sign both copies, and stash it away forever.

These agreements should be written while you are cooperative and amicable. If you do not do it ahead of time, then you could be fighting over anything and everything with your lawyers getting rich at the end of the line. Be direct and level headed about the divisions - you may both love the sofa, so trade it for a TV, keep it fair. Do not let your income levels dictate your judgement of a fair split.

Once you have this little piece of dirty work behind you - it's done and you can forget it. You'll never, ever need it.

Counseling

Nobody thinks they need it, and pretty much everyone can use it at some point in their life. Pre-marital counselling should be mandatory in every state. Unfortunately, it is all too easy to jump right into a life-long commitment that may or may not be a good idea. One of our favorite couples has been married 10 years, and has been in counseling for 9 of them! They are happy and contrary and complimentary. They are a strong couple and they totally "get it" when they feel out of synch and need to recalibrate with a professional. Consider it like a coach! Keep working with the coach to perfect your game, or in our case, a marriage. 

Seriously, sitting down with an impartial third party and talking about all the awkward aspects of your life can not only open a can of worms, but it can boost your confidence in your relationship and the big step you are taking. If your significant other suggests or requests counselling do not consider it an affront to your intentions, but a gesture that will ensure a serious commitment from both of you.

I won't get into the "marriage is like a well oiled machine" nonsense, but I will say that couples or marital counseling can really be like a tune-up. Sometimes you need one. Don't wait until the shit hits the fan and you're too depressed to look at each other. Introducing yourselves to the concept early on in your relationship will allow you to value the experience and really gain some benefits. Knowing what it can do for you will help you recognize when a few sessions are in order... one of you loses a job, your kid goes to college or you lose a parent. A big change can affect your marriage - get the tools you need to be able to manage those changes together rather than just 'dealing with it'.

Counselors can give strategies and perspectives that can help you both to see and bring out the best in each other. Don't knock it before you try it! Believe us, we want to help you keep your marriage together, and prevent lousy-ness from destroying all that is good. Your pride, busy schedule or laziness are no excuses to ignore this valuable tool. There are plenty of educated, professional therapists that can help you navigate the choppy waters that surround one of the most profound relationships of your life, that with your spouse.

If your relationship is too far gone, counseling will never work, and if you want to go to therapy just to have a non-partial third party tell you that you are right and your spouse is wrong - then you're too far gone. A good counselor should make you both feel comfortable and will not pick sides or judge. A good counselor will also not settle your arguments, but give you the tools to settle them yourself - a worthwhile long-term investment.