Dear Jane,

My divorce from Lousy is almost final. I am starting to feel settled, but to be honest, I just miss having a best friend. I am on my own with my children, and am just missing having someone to do stuff with and to talk to.

I have this friend that I have known for a while, and he has told me that he will be divorced by the end of the summer and that his wife (she lives in an apartment) is crazy, and is not allowed to be with his kids on her own. He told me she is a nut job blah blah blah. He is totally making the moves on me. The other part is, that I have seen his wife around - and she is adorable - sweet, pretty, and to me looks like a great mom. What should I do? Am I just getting sweet talked? I don't want to be the other woman.              - Holly Go Lightly

Dear Holly -

You say a lot in those two short paragraphs, and you won't like all of my response. First, you're still married, even if your divorce is "almost final". So the same goes for your friend... he's married. Separation is a phase of marriage - still married. Calling his ex-wife "crazy" is dismissive, which can be a little lousy. The fact that he is making the moves on you, while dismissing his ex as "the one with the problem" sends up a big red flag to me.  Does it not to you?

Don't let loneliness cancel out common sense. You start fooling around with a married man, then you are the other woman. That will make him lousy and you'll be just as lousy. If you're lonely, then find new outlets to meet people. We offer suggestions in the Moving On section... find something that works for you and your family that you can be proud of.

Hitching your cart to a rebound lousy will just get you a ride around the barn, and back where you started. Sorry, that sounded a little Dr. Phil... but you get it, right? Good luck.           - Jane

Hi Jane,

I have bern married for 28 years. There have been problems in the relationship for at least 3 years.

In 2006 I was diagnosed with MS (which my lousy never accepted) and he turned 50 (major mid-life crisis). We are both only children and still have our parents. We have 2 adult children ages 23 and 26.

He has destroyed our entire family. More or less, lousy decided he wasn't happy. I have been trying to make marriage work but he would not make an effort. After he moved out, husband of the woman he has been cheating with contacted me with proof of adultery. He had been cheating on me for at least 4 months while I was trying to make things work.

I have no college education and have not worked. We mutually decided years ago that I would stay home and raise the children. Now, because of the disability, I am unable to work full time. We live in MD. I met with a financial planner who told me that if everything is split 50/50 I will not be able to make it. So worried about what my future holds-I am only 49 so I hope I have a lot of years left. Any suggestions?

Thanks, Jean

Dear Jean:

This aspect is the most visible effect of divorce on our lives. I'm glad to hear you've spoken to a financial planner. Have you spoken to a lawyer? You need to find a lawyer who has experience in representing people with special circumstances such as yours, or at least has some idea of how it will affect your life. The fact that Lousy cheated may help your case - so find a good lawyer.

You need to look at your finances again, and decide how much exactly you will need. Use our financial worksheet to figure that out realistically.The trick is not just knowing what you need now, but how your needs will change in the future, and that may take some research. If you've been relying on Lousy, has he provided the family health insurance? How will that change?

I don't want to scare you, but there are many scenarios that you need to consider. Perhaps downsizing now will allow you to stretch your 50 further. It's not fair to have to compromise your lifestyle after supporting a Lousy in his career for so many years, but you do have a lot of years left and you have to take care of yourself.

Find a good lawyer, and develop a strategy as soon as possible. Do your homework before you meet so you know what you need, what questions to ask and leave with a solid plan. Find out the laws in MD. In VA you can collect spousal support for only a limited time. Read through our articles about finding a lawyer, and all the other legal stuff. Being the 'breadwinner' may make Lousy a little cocky and if you are well prepared you may have an advantage. Don't talk about it with your Lousy - don't show your hand. The more you can surprise him with later the better position you'll be in. Believe me, it's hard not to scream at him and let him know all that you know, but please try to play it cool.

Take the lead in this divorce. You do have many more years, and they can be happy and productive as long as you take care of you. Good luck!                   - Jane

Hi Jane,

I feel like I am battling both my husband AND my lawyer. How do I know when it's time to find another lawyer and if I do so do I automatically lose my retainer?
My lawyer seems to be making a lot of mistakes. A few weeks ago we spent hours drafting interrogatories for the woman my husband is having his affair with. She told me she'd forward me the final drafts before they went out, but I never got them. She didn't answer any of my emails about it for a week (but did about other topics), then wrote to me and said they had been sent out several days before. Yesterday, on a Sunday, she sent me a text saying that we couldn't serve interrogatories to the mistress because she's not a party in the case AND that the ones we sent out came back because her secretary didn't put enough postage on them. My guess is she never sent them out at all.
Shouldn't she have known from the beginning that we couldn't serve them on the girlfriend? Why did she draft them and go through the whole process if we can't send them? When I asked her that she said we were being "impulsive". Isn't a lawyer supposed to know better than to be impulsive??
She told me from the start that deposing the girlfriend was a waste of money. Now she says it's our only option.
I'm feeling pretty confused and upset! Should I switch lawyers? Mediation is scheduled for next week so I need to move fast. I emailed her and said we needed to have a discussion about the future of my case today but she wrote back and said she's in court all day and can't talk.
Please help!                                    - Heather

Dear Heather:

I have my own opinions of scatter-brained people. When you're going through this kind of crap you are hiring someone to keep things in order and get them taken care of. So my immediate reaction was 'kick her to the curb!'.

But you know how I am... so, I asked a professional lawyer, Karen. Karen is a long time reader and has even connected with another lousyspouse survivor in the DC area to help her get months of overdue support paid by her ex-lousy! So here's her professional (out-of-state) opinion:

So there you have it. There is lots of good information here about selecting an attorney, and what to look for. Definitely postpone the mediation until you find the right one for you. With all professionals you get what you pay for, but then again, many people can graduate with a degree and be in the bottom of their class. Ask for referrals. My experience was that I was very happy with my choice - I chose to pay the high hourly rate guy who didn't insist on a huge retainer.

Good Luck!!!                                      - Jane