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Monday
08Feb2010

Payback?

DateMonday, February 8, 2010 at 11:48AM

Lousy moved out in November after 22 years of marriage. Our only child was off to college and I had had enough. Now, I have slowly come to the realization that I was married to a sociopath.  

He led secret life for the past 18 months, life as I knew it has turned upside-down.  Most of this came to the surface, due to his lack of full-time employment, self-esteem went out the window and everything was my fault.  Any-hoo, I have not taken any legal action, because Lousy does not have a job.  He has had a few in the past making-six figures, (he has a Masters Degree) but he usually sabatoges it.  He does "consulting" in the meantime.  And he survives by manipulation and charm and has moved on to his next female victim.

Meanwhile, I'm working to provide for my son & myself and barely getting by. I would like to move on and file for divorce, but my concern is that without him having a "real" job, do I stand a chance of getting any child support.? The jurisdiction where I live requires support for my child until age 21, he just turned 19. Will the court consider Lousy's  earning potential? Could he ask for spousal support? OMG!!!    - Very Angry

Dear Very Angry:

I'd be pissed too. First, you have to get a good lawyer. The short answer about child support is "yes". It will depend on the local laws, but your lawyer can show income potential, or imputed income, as a basis. There are formulas for determining the amount of support based not only on his current income, but your expenses and income as well. Many Lousys will quit their jobs when the divorce process kicks into gear and try to just shrug and say "sorry, I don't have a job... can't pay". That does not fly.

This is the time to get busy getting organized. Use our worksheets to figure out exactly where you are financially before you go to see a lawyer. You also need to account for all the marital assets. Even if it's just a couple of cars and a slim margin of equity, it all adds up to something. Also get a handle on the debts... you can make him take responsibility for crazy debts that he created, but you have to know what they are and where they are. Including that liablility in your divorce settlement may not clear your name, but if he tries to screw around and not take care of it you can haul him back to court for contempt.

As for the spousal support... don't know about that one. If you can show proof of adultery, then - no way. If he's just a screw up who has relied on you for years for support, then you may be in for it. If he does have a basis for spousal support, then that may reduce your child support potential. I suggest you become the encouraging and supportive spouse that boosts his ego into another good paying position before you hit him with the big D. (Yeah, that's bitchy, but it's all about self-preservation).

Bottom line is: nobody will come out unscathed. Wherever you are in your current lifestyle, expect a downgrade for everyone. Don't start the process until you get your ducks in a row... seeing a lawyer before you are prepared is a waste of money. See this site for other tips, like what to look for in a lawyer, etc.

Good luck!!!                   - Jane
AuthorArtyWyfe | CommentPost a Comment |
Thursday
28Jan2010

Losing faith in my faith

DateThursday, January 28, 2010 at 01:00PM

Dear Jane,

I am Catholic - born, raised, and married. My Lousy committed adultery and abandoned me and the children. Our divorce is complete, and I have initiated the process to get an annullment. The way I understand it, I have to have this to get remarried in the Catholic church. I don't have my next Mr. Right picked out or anything, but the idea of tidying up this disaster of a transaction is appealing to me. I am picking up the rest of the pieces, why not this one while I am at it?

My question is this....is this a good time to explore other religions? I am just a bit turned off by the formality, the finger pointing, the detailed questions that the "Tribunal" has asked me, my friends, my shrink. They are so deep in my business, almost implying that I caused Lousy's adultery. Hellloooo?? I was not the one with my pants unzipped!

I don't want to make a hasty decision, and turn my back on the religion that I was raised with, but this is a bit ridiculous. I mean it is harder to get the annullment than it was to get married. AND Lousy professed to be Catholic too (he was born and raised as well.) So it was not really a stamp of approval or shared values as I had been led to believe.
I feel really welcome, warm and at home at another church right now. They have welcomed me and my family with open arms, so giving, loving and supportive. It feels really positive.
What is your take on all of this?
                                           -  Catholic Lousy Spouse Survivor

Dear Catholic:

I'm not Catholic, but I have known others who have gone through this as well. To really share my true opinions with you, I'm going to have to share my view on religion in general. At the risk of offending some readers I feel that if I'm going to share, I have to be honest.

So here's my take: Religion in general is a good thing. Religions create communities, and those communities support the greater communities as well as their members. All good things. Religious practices establish rules of conduct, a base line for acceptable behavior in those communities. Religion is general was the only form of governing for eons, whatever form it was in.

All flavors of religion vary in some degree, but all set down the basics - don't kill each other, don't steal from each other, and some require that you respect our rules or suffer consequences. The bottom line for all address our primal needs: self-preservation and promotion of the species.

Regardless of your religion, it is up to you to establish your relationship with your deity - whomever or whatever that is. You should base your decision on how the rules relate to you and your life, and how comfortable you are in that community. Your children will either be encouraged or discouraged by their ability to relate to the rules of whatever religion you expose them to. Raising them in the environment that is true to you and your beliefs is a gift, so choose wisely.

There are no wrongs or rights, just what fits you. I wish you luck in your exploring.     - Jane

AuthorArtyWyfe | CommentPost a Comment |
Thursday
14Jan2010

What's in a Name?

DateThursday, January 14, 2010 at 02:03PM
Dear Jane,

What should I do about my name? I took my husband's name when we got married, but now that he has walked out the door, I can't stand the sound of his ....But, I have kids, and I like that our names match, and that we are a family. But, I also feel like I have lost my identity a bit.
I can't stand the sight or sound of his name, but I want to be there for my kids....
What do most people do in my shoes?          - Feeling Nameless
_____________________________________________________________________________
Dear Nameless:
I'm in the same boat, so I've been thinking about this subject a lot lately. My loser Lousy got married less than 90 days after our divorce, so I'm one of two Mrs. Lousys. yuck.
I think I will change my name soon... I've talked about it a lot with my daughter, and she understands that I'm not leaving her family - just his. It does feel kind of creepy being called Mrs. Lousy.
I don't know what most people do. Some stick with their Lousy name because they have built their career and/or reputation with it. Remember what an effort it took to change your name to his when you got married? You've got to do that all over again, plus all the other contacts and accounts that you have now that you didn't have then. Don't forget your kids' school, your doctors, all the utilities, etc. It's a lot of work. If you do want to distance yourself from Lousy, you will also cut down his ability to take advantage of the matching names down the road. This is of special concern to those with the lousy-types who would.
Matching names doesn't make a family as we all know. Mismatches happen in families in all kinds of ways - hair color, height, ethnicity and even in last names.
Fortunately for me, I've used my maiden name for my lousyspouse.com business... I remain: Jane Fields
AuthorArtyWyfe | Comment1 Comment |
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