Lousy codependent

This type of spouse is so concerned about making sure everyone around him is happy that he totally neglects himself to his own detriment.

He'll allow his family members and friends to take advantage of him, not pay him for work he does, take the responsibility of others on himself, then wonder why he's broke, bankrupt and can't meet his own needs. He appears helpful, concerned and attentive on the outside, but what's he's really trying to do is control you.

If he can monitor and manipulate your emotions and actions, then he won't have to deal with any of his own feelings. He is in a constant state of denial, fantasy and self-centeredness -- he can't and won't accept help, even when his life is falling apart around him.   – Overly Dependable                                

Dear Dependable:

I’m not so sure that this is a true Lousy category worthy of inclusion in our Field Guide to Lousys. I think you have a combination Crybaby/Loafer.  I think this manipulative streak is a sign of insecurity. It’s insecurity that creates the control issues.

By keeping busy taking care of everyone else, then he’s got the perfect excuse not to get his act together. Enabling is what’s going on if you allow this to continue. I suggest you seek counseling together and help him get past his insecurities. No need to discuss who needs him and why he’s broke. He needs to hear from you that you see him as valuable and worthy of his own focus. I hope you can work it out.               - Jane

Unknown Territory

Jane -

I am dating a guy who I have no idea what he does for a job and even wonder if he is an alcoholic...He claims to be a big IT man but I have not seen him work one day and he lives in a small apartment and never has money to spend on our dates. I end up paying for everything....he is kind of on crazy side and speaks of different languages for fun and listens to music loud, He has a daughter and she is very cute, I just wonder what  and where he gets his money from. I dont want to make another mistake. He claims to have friends and then they turn out to be just days old friends.....he is very smart and was married 2 times already. Not sure what to do,,,,,any thoughts..I adore him but am afraid he has dark secrets he is not telling me...                       - dating a guy i cant understand

Dear Dating -

You've raised some important flags. One of the best ways to judge a person is by the friends they keep. No long term friends says no long term stability, or many burned bridges. It's hard to judge a person by their home these days - living with my mother, myself. It's very probable that he's not employed at all if he has no money. Big IT guys are a dime a dozen these days, and they're not so in demand as they were 10 years ago. It sounds to me like this guy is not being completely honest with you. My recommendation is to enjoy his company, but don't let him impose on your life.

Do NOT let him move in, do NOT loan him money for any reason, and don't push him for answers. If he starts making moves to get closer without giving you more information, then shut the door and don't re-open it. It sounds like he might not have a big dark secret but probably more like a downturn that he's not comfortable with. If he's not secure enough to share the truth, then he's not secure in the relationship. That doesn't make him a bad person, but you should remain cautious. Good luck.  - Jane

Possession of House

Dear Jane:

I have a lawyer and at first my lawyer said we court order for temporary possession of house and child support for four kids.  Now my lawyer contacted my husband and said he needs to talk to his lawyer when at the same time my husband did not have one until he found out what he was up for the next court date.

My first court date i was unable to go because of work.  Meanwhile my lawyer scheduled another court date and I had a lawyer student email and chat with my lawyer thinking that was me on the other end. Finally my lawyer ask for my husband's number.  I feel so confuse between my lawyer who is a male and has a kinda tough bad loud attitude.  For example, don't you remember we talk about this last week loud tone voice and its been 7 weeks and he did not even ask for a copy of my husband 90,000 and my 10,000 joint income tax until i offer it to him.  Also did not explain how to fill out an affidivait.

- Liz

Dear Liz:

It sounds like you're lawyer is not paying attention. I've had  this very same problem and it's up to you to get on top of this situation. I felt at times during my divorce that I was driving and my lawyer was just there to navigate. That's the kind of relationship we set up in the beginning though.

If you're not comfortable with your lawyer, then ask to work with a female associate in his firm or just fire him altogether and start over. Read through this site and find tips on finding a lawyer. Also read through the legal section to understand what your going to end up with - the final divorce decree and parenting plan.

The work/court date thing is going to be a problem for you if you have no flexibility. Make sure whoever you are working with knows your schedule and respects it. You also need to talk to your boss and let them know what you are going through, that you will not let it interfere with your work, and that you may need a small amount of flexibility a couple of times before it's all over.

The financial affadavit is your statement of all your expenses... that means EVERYthing, especially those costs associated with raising your kids. Not just daycare, but gifts for birthday parties, the cost of their birthday parties... Everything. Go through your checkbook and online statements to make sure you capture anything you may or may not have thought of. This is really important in determining yours and your childrens support.

Let us know how you do.             - Jane